CUPERTINO, CA – In a move that's sure to make Sigmund Freud roll in his grave, Apple unveiled the iPhone 16 today, boasting an AI so advanced it can psychoanalyze your deepest fears faster than you can say 'Siri, why am I like this?' The tech giant claims this new feature, dubbed 'Empathy Engine,' will revolutionize mental health by offering unsolicited advice based on your browsing history, text messages, and that one embarrassing photo from 2012.

During the keynote, CEO Tim Cook demonstrated the AI's prowess by having it analyze a volunteer's data. 'It seems you're stressed about work,' the phone intoned in a soothing voice. 'Have you considered buying the new MacBook Pro? It's great for productivity... and ignoring your problems.' Attendees applauded wildly, apparently unfazed by the blatant upselling disguised as therapy.

Privacy advocates are already up in arms, but Apple assures users that all emotional data is stored securely in the cloud – you know, that magical place where nothing ever goes wrong. 'Your secrets are safe with us,' said an Apple spokesperson, 'unless, of course, you forget to renew your iCloud subscription, in which case, who knows?'

The iPhone 16 also comes with a suite of other AI enhancements, like predictive shopping that anticipates your mid-life crisis and pre-orders a sports car, or the 'Relationship Resolver' that drafts breakup texts based on your partner's emoji usage. Forget couples therapy; just let your phone ghost them for you.

Critics argue this is just another ploy to lock users into the Apple ecosystem. 'It's not therapy; it's a subscription service for your soul,' quipped one tech blogger. But with pre-orders skyrocketing, it seems consumers are more than willing to trade their innermost thoughts for a device that vibrates empathetically during panic attacks.

In a final twist, the AI even includes a 'Self-Reflection Mode' that mirrors your face back at you with augmented reality filters to 'boost self-esteem.' Because nothing says mental wellness like seeing yourself as a cartoon unicorn while your phone whispers, 'You're worth every penny of that Apple Watch upgrade.'