CUPERTINO, CA – In a keynote address that left tech enthusiasts both amazed and slightly paranoid, Apple unveiled the iPhone 17, a device that promises to revolutionize personal computing by literally reading your mind. But before you get too excited about telepathic texting or psychic selfies, there's a catch: this mind-reading magic is strictly reserved for serving you hyper-targeted advertisements. Tim Cook, Apple's CEO, beamed as he demonstrated how the phone could detect your craving for a latte before you even thought about it, promptly bombarding you with Starbucks coupons.

The iPhone 17's new feature, dubbed 'Neural AdLink,' uses advanced neural sensors embedded in the device's screen to scan your brainwaves in real-time. According to Apple engineers, it can predict your desires with 99.9% accuracy – as long as those desires involve consumerism. 'Imagine walking down the street, and before you even realize you're hungry, your phone suggests the nearest fast-food joint with a buy-one-get-one-free deal,' said one developer, who insisted this wasn't at all dystopian.

Critics, however, are raising eyebrows higher than Apple's profit margins. Privacy advocates warn that Neural AdLink could turn users into unwitting puppets of corporate overlords. 'It's like having a little marketer inside your head, whispering sweet nothings about impulse buys,' quipped one expert. Apple reassures that all data is encrypted and only used for 'enhancing user experience,' which apparently means knowing you need new socks before your current pair develops holes.

In a live demo that had the audience chuckling nervously, Cook thought about his favorite snack, and the iPhone 17 instantly displayed ads for organic kale chips. 'See? It's intuitive!' he exclaimed, while subtly ignoring questions about whether the phone could detect thoughts of switching to Android. Rumor has it the device comes pre-loaded with an app that guilt-trips you for even considering competitors.

But the satire doesn't stop there. Apple plans to expand Neural AdLink to partnerships with major brands, ensuring that your subconscious shopping list is always fulfilled. Feeling blue? The phone might suggest retail therapy with ads for luxury handbags. Just woke up? Expect breakfast cereal promotions before your eyes are fully open. It's innovation at its finest – or creepiest, depending on your tolerance for Big Brother in your pocket.

As the iPhone 17 hits shelves next year, priced at a modest $1,499, consumers are left to ponder: is mind-reading tech the future, or just a fancy way to sell more stuff? One thing's for sure – your thoughts are no longer your own, but hey, at least you'll never run out of targeted deals.