CUPERTINO, CA – In a move that's equal parts innovative and invasive, Apple unveiled its latest iPhone model at their annual keynote, dubbing it the iPhone Psi. Tim Cook, with his signature blend of enthusiasm and corporate mysticism, announced that the device can 'read your thoughts' to anticipate your needs. But skeptics are already whispering that this psychic prowess is less about convenience and more about convincing you that you desperately need a $200 charging cable shaped like a snake.

The iPhone Psi's mind-reading feature, powered by what Apple calls 'Neuralink Lite' (no relation to Elon Musk's brain chips, they swear), scans your brainwaves through the front-facing camera. 'Imagine thinking about coffee, and boom – your phone suggests the perfect Apple-branded espresso machine,' Cook gushed. Of course, it conveniently ignores thoughts like 'I should switch to Android' or 'Why is this ecosystem a black hole for my wallet?'

Privacy advocates are up in arms, but Apple assures users that all mind data is encrypted and stored in the cloud – their cloud, naturally. 'We value your privacy,' said an Apple spokesperson, while subtly pushing notifications for AirPods that 'think' they belong in your ears. The real magic? The phone only activates its psychic mode when you're near an Apple Store, turning window shopping into a telepathic sales pitch.

Early beta testers report mixed results. One user thought about getting fit, and the iPhone immediately upsold them on Apple Fitness+ subscriptions, complete with a virtual trainer who judges your form from afar. Another pondered world peace, only to be bombarded with ads for Apple's 'Peaceful White' noise-cancelling headphones. It's as if the device knows your deepest desires – or at least the ones that align with Apple's profit margins.

Critics argue this is just the next step in Apple's quest for total domination. 'First they trapped us with seamless integration, now they're literally in our heads,' lamented tech blogger Skip Widget. But Apple fans are ecstatic, with pre-orders skyrocketing. One devotee exclaimed, 'Finally, a phone that gets me – and sells me stuff I didn't know I needed!'

In a satirical twist, rumors suggest the iPhone Psi can predict breakups and suggest matching Apple Watches for both parties post-split. Or detect hunger and auto-order from the Apple Food app, which only delivers overpriced organic kale chips. The possibilities are endless, as long as they end in a purchase.

As the launch date approaches, one thing is clear: Apple's mind-reading iPhone isn't about understanding you; it's about understanding how to empty your bank account. So next time you think 'I need a break from tech,' don't be surprised if your phone whispers back, 'How about a vacation with our new Apple Luggage?'