CUPERTINO, CA – In a groundbreaking announcement that's sure to revolutionize laziness, Apple has launched the iBrain Implant, a tiny chip that promises to do all your thinking for you. No more struggling with decisions like what to eat for lunch or whether to binge-watch another series – the iBrain handles it all, streaming thoughts directly into your noggin via Apple's proprietary ThinkCloud service.

At the unveiling event, CEO Tim Cook beamed with pride, declaring, 'We've always aimed to make life easier, but now we're making it effortless. With iBrain, your mind becomes an extension of the Apple ecosystem. Subscribe to Premium Thoughts for just $19.99 a month, and unlock advanced features like 'Witty Comebacks' and 'Deep Philosophical Musings' – all curated by our AI overlords.'

Early adopters are already singing praises from their blissfully vacant states. One user, tech enthusiast Karen from Silicon Valley, shared, 'I used to waste hours pondering life's big questions. Now, iBrain feeds me pre-approved opinions on everything from politics to pineapple on pizza. It's liberating! Though, I do miss remembering my own birthday without a notification.'

Critics, however, are raising eyebrows – or at least trying to, if their iBrains allow it. Privacy advocates warn that Apple could access your innermost thoughts, potentially selling data to advertisers. 'Imagine targeted ads in your dreams,' said one expert. 'Buy this toothpaste, or we'll haunt your subconscious with plaque nightmares.'

But Apple assures users that all data is encrypted and only used to 'enhance your experience.' Plus, with the family sharing plan, you can sync thoughts across household members – perfect for those awkward dinner conversations where everyone agrees on everything, forever.

In a twist of irony, the iBrain even includes a 'Rebel Mode' for $4.99 extra, simulating original thoughts to make you feel unique. 'It's like artisanal thinking,' Cook explained. 'Crafted by algorithms, but with that handmade feel.'

As the world rushes to preorder, one thing is clear: the era of independent cognition is over. Welcome to mindless bliss, brought to you by Apple – where thinking is optional, but subscriptions are mandatory.