Cupertino, CA - In a keynote that had tech enthusiasts foaming at the mouth like over-caffeinated squirrels, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant designed to boost human intelligence. 'Think different... literally,' Cook quipped, as holographic brains danced across the stage. But hold onto your synapses, folks – this brain upgrade comes with a catch bigger than a black hole in your wallet.

The iBrain promises to enhance cognition by 47% (according to Apple's totally unbiased studies), allowing users to solve complex math problems, recall every embarrassing childhood memory, and even predict the stock market – sort of. However, these features are locked behind a premium subscription model. Basic implantation is free with any iPhone purchase over $2,000, but to actually use the 'smart' part? That's $29.99 a month, or $299 a year for the family plan, because nothing says 'family bonding' like shared neural ads.

Critics are already sharpening their pitchforks, claiming this is just Apple's latest scheme to monetize every aspect of human existence. 'First they took our music, then our photos, now our thoughts?' lamented tech analyst Zara Byte from her unplugged cabin in the woods. Privacy advocates warn that the iBrain could transmit your innermost thoughts to Apple's servers, where they'll be analyzed for targeted advertising. Imagine thinking about pizza and suddenly craving an Apple-branded slice delivered by drone.

Apple assures users that data is 'securely encrypted' and only used to 'improve your experience.' But leaked documents (okay, fictional ones for this satire) suggest the implant includes a 'Freemium Mode' where non-subscribers get random bursts of idiocy, like forgetting your own name during a job interview. 'It's motivation to upgrade,' an anonymous Apple engineer whispered, probably while hiding in a Faraday cage.

Early adopters are divided. Tech bro Chad Moneybags raves, 'I can now calculate pi to 1,000 digits while bench-pressing venture capitalists!' Meanwhile, average Joe Schmo complains, 'I paid for the implant, but without the sub, it just plays elevator music in my head during important meetings.' Rumor has it, the next update includes microtransactions for individual thoughts – $0.99 to remember where you parked.

In response to backlash, Apple announced a 'lite' version for developing countries, where the implant only enhances your ability to appreciate Apple's ecosystem without actually affording it. Ethicists are pondering if this creates a new class divide: the iHaves and the iHaveNots. Will the unenhanced be left behind, doomed to manual thinking like cavemen?

As the iBrain rolls out next quarter, one thing's clear: Apple isn't just selling devices anymore; they're selling a piece of your mind. Literally. So, if you're tired of being merely human and have disposable income burning a hole in your pocket, sign up now. Just remember, terms and conditions apply – and they might include signing over your soul to the App Store.