CUPERTINO, CA - In a keynote address that left tech enthusiasts both enlightened and exasperated, Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant designed to boost human intelligence. 'This isn't just an upgrade; it's evolution on a payment plan,' Cook quipped, as the audience pondered whether their brains were now eligible for AppleCare.

The iBrain promises to enhance cognitive functions like memory, problem-solving, and even creativity. However, the full suite of features, including advanced sarcasm detection and the ability to understand dad jokes, is locked behind a $9.99 monthly subscription. Free tier users will have to settle for basic arithmetic and the occasional existential dread reminder.

Critics are already buzzing about the ethical implications. 'What happens if you miss a payment? Does your IQ drop to potato levels?' asked one bioethicist, who clearly hasn't subscribed yet. Apple assures users that lapsed subscriptions will only result in 'mild cognitive fog,' which sounds suspiciously like their current customer service experience.

Early adopters are lining up, with some camping outside Apple Stores for days. 'I can't wait to finally get those inside jokes at parties,' said tech bro Chad, who admits he often confuses sarcasm with sincerity. Rumor has it the implant also integrates seamlessly with Siri, allowing users to argue with their own thoughts.

Competitors aren't far behind. Google is reportedly developing 'MindMesh,' a free alternative riddled with ads that pop up in your dreams. Meanwhile, Elon Musk's Neuralink team is scrambling to add a 'pay-to-think' model, because nothing says innovation like monetizing your neurons.

In a surprising twist, the iBrain includes a feature to detect fake news, but only for premium users. Basic subscribers will continue believing everything they read on social media, which Apple claims is 'part of the authentic human experience.'

Privacy concerns? Apple laughs them off. 'Your thoughts are safe with us,' says their press release, right before mentioning data sharing with select partners for 'enhanced user experience.' Because who doesn't want targeted ads beamed directly into their subconscious?

As the launch date approaches, one thing is clear: the future of intelligence is here, and it's got a recurring billing cycle. Will you subscribe to smarter living, or stick with your gloriously unenhanced brain? The choice is yours – for now.