CUPERTINO, CA – In a keynote that had tech enthusiasts drooling like Pavlov's dogs at the sound of a credit card swipe, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant designed to boost human intelligence. 'Think different – and pay monthly,' Cook quipped, as the audience applauded wildly, their brains already envisioning a future where forgetting your anniversary costs an extra $9.99.

The iBrain promises to enhance cognitive functions, from memory recall to problem-solving, but only for subscribers to Apple's new 'iThink' service. Non-subscribers will reportedly experience 'basic mode,' which limits users to thoughts no more complex than deciding between a latte or a cappuccino. Critics are calling it the ultimate in planned obsolescence: your brain, now with an expiration date tied to your bank account.

Early adopters are lining up, eager to have a tiny chip implanted in their skulls. 'I've always wanted to be smarter,' said one fanboy outside an Apple Store, 'but I never realized intelligence came with ads. Now, every time I ponder quantum physics, I get a pop-up for the latest iPhone.'

Privacy advocates are up in arms, warning that Apple could access users' innermost thoughts. 'What if they start charging per daydream?' asked one expert. Apple assures that data is secure, stored in the cloud – because nothing says 'privacy' like uploading your subconscious to servers in Ireland.

In a satirical twist, rumors suggest the iBrain includes a 'genius mode' that activates only during Apple events, making users believe every product is a must-have. Detractors argue it's just turning humans into walking billboards, with thoughts sponsored by corporate overlords. 'Next thing you know, you'll need a premium plan to remember your own name,' joked a comedian on late-night TV.

Apple's stock soared on the announcement, proving that in the tech world, the real intelligence is in monetizing every aspect of human existence. As one analyst put it, 'Why stop at phones when you can own the mind?' The iBrain: because thinking shouldn't be free.