CUPERTINO, CA – In a groundbreaking announcement that's sure to revolutionize the way we think—literally—Apple has unveiled the iBrain, a neural implant designed to enhance cognitive functions. Or, as CEO Tim Cook put it during the keynote, 'to stop you from tweeting like an idiot.' The device, which is surgically implanted via a quick outpatient procedure (anesthesia not included in the base model), promises to filter out those impulsive thoughts that lead to viral embarrassments.

According to Apple's press release, the iBrain uses advanced AI to autocorrect your inner monologue in real-time. Forgot the difference between 'your' and 'you're'? No problem—the implant zaps a gentle reminder straight to your prefrontal cortex. Planning to rant about your ex on Facebook? The iBrain intervenes with a soothing suggestion: 'Maybe take a walk instead?' Tech analysts are hailing it as the ultimate solution for the chronically online, though some worry it might turn users into bland, corporate-approved zombies.

Early beta testers have mixed reviews. One user reported, 'I was about to post a conspiracy theory about squirrels controlling the government, but iBrain suggested a cute cat video instead. Now I'm happier, but is this really me?' Another tester claimed it saved their marriage by blocking thoughts of sending passive-aggressive texts. However, side effects include occasional glitches, like suddenly craving overpriced Apple accessories or involuntarily humming the iPhone ringtone during meetings.

Critics, including privacy advocates, are raising alarms. 'This is basically mind control disguised as convenience,' said one expert from the Electronic Frontier Foundation. 'Next thing you know, it'll be suggesting you buy more Apple products every time you think about Android.' Apple assures users that all thought data is encrypted and stored securely in iCloud—for a small monthly fee, of course.

In a nod to inclusivity, the iBrain comes in various models: the basic iBrain SE for casual users, the iBrain Pro for professionals who need to avoid career-ending LinkedIn posts, and the ultra-premium iBrain Max, which includes a feature to simulate genius-level IQ during Zoom calls. Pricing starts at $999, with optional AppleCare+ covering 'thought malfunctions' for an extra $199.

As the tech world buzzes with excitement, competitors are scrambling. Google is rumored to be developing a rival implant called 'MindSearch,' which would instantly fact-check your thoughts but also serve targeted ads directly to your subconscious. Meanwhile, Elon Musk's Neuralink team is reportedly jealous, tweeting that their version will let you control Twitter with your brain—ironically, without the embarrassment filter.

Whether the iBrain will make us smarter or just more palatable to algorithms remains to be seen. But one thing's for sure: in the age of social media oversharing, Apple's latest innovation might just be the lobotomy we didn't know we needed.