Cupertino, CA - In a keynote event that had tech enthusiasts drooling and ethicists clutching their pearls, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant designed to boost human intelligence. "Think different? Now you'll think smarter," Cook quipped, as the audience applauded wildly. The tiny chip, surgically inserted into the brain, promises to enhance cognitive functions like memory, problem-solving, and even creativity. But there's a catch – and it's not just the minor brain surgery.

The iBrain works by interfacing directly with your neurons, using advanced AI algorithms to optimize thought processes. Early testers reported solving complex puzzles in seconds and recalling every embarrassing moment from high school with crystal clarity. "It's like having a supercomputer in your skull," said one beta user, who wished to remain anonymous due to the non-disclosure agreement and the faint buzzing in his head.

However, Apple's genius business model shines through with the subscription fee. For a mere $19.99 a month, users get full access to 'premium intelligence' features. Miss a payment? The implant switches to 'economy mode,' which reportedly reduces IQ by 20 points and fills your thoughts with targeted ads for Apple products. "It's motivation to stay current," explained an Apple spokesperson, dodging questions about whether this constitutes cruel and unusual punishment.

Critics are already sounding alarms. "This is subscription fatigue taken to dystopian levels," said tech analyst Sarah Byte. "What next? Paying extra to remember your own name?" Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists claim the iBrain is just a ploy to collect brainwave data for Apple's next big thing: targeted mind ads. Apple denies this, insisting all data is encrypted and only used to improve user experience – and sell more iPhones.

In a satirical twist, early adopters have formed support groups for 'iBrain withdrawal,' where lapsed subscribers share stories of suddenly forgetting how to tie shoelaces or confusing cats with dogs. One user lamented, "I was a genius for a month, then I couldn't even spell 'subscription.' Now I'm back to being average, but with a hole in my head." Apple offers a grace period, but only if you upgrade to the family plan.

Looking ahead, Apple hints at future updates, like iBrain Pro for business users, complete with spreadsheet superpowers, and iBrain Kids for educational enhancement – parental controls included, of course. As the world debates the ethics of pay-to-think technology, one thing's clear: in the Apple ecosystem, even your thoughts aren't free.