CUPERTINO, CA – In a keynote that had tech enthusiasts drooling like Pavlov's dogs at the sound of a cash register, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant designed to boost your IQ faster than you can say 'siri-ously?' But hold onto your wallets, folks – this brain upgrade comes with a catch that's as sticky as overpriced Apple stickers.

The iBrain, surgically implanted via a quick procedure at your local Apple Store Genius Bar (anesthesia extra), promises to enhance memory, speed up problem-solving, and even suggest witty comebacks during arguments. 'Imagine never forgetting where you left your keys again,' Cook beamed, conveniently forgetting to mention that the device might also remind you of every embarrassing moment from your past, subscription or not.

Of course, the real genius here is Apple's business model. For a mere $99 a month, users avoid the dreaded 'dumb mode,' where the implant randomly glitches, causing temporary lapses like forgetting basic math or confusing your spouse with a household appliance. One beta tester reported trying to microwave his laundry after missing a payment – talk about a brain freeze!

Critics are already buzzing about privacy concerns. 'Who needs Big Brother when you've got Big Apple lodged in your skull?' quipped tech analyst Lena Byte. The iBrain reportedly syncs with all your Apple devices, meaning your thoughts could end up in iCloud faster than a leaked celebrity photo. Apple assures users that data is encrypted, but let's be real – if they can predict your next purchase, they might as well be reading your mind.

In a satirical twist worthy of a sci-fi novel, early adopters are forming support groups for 'subscription anxiety,' where members share tips on budgeting for brainpower. 'It's like renting your own intelligence,' said one user. 'Miss a payment, and suddenly you're back to arguing with flat-earthers on social media without a clever retort.'

Apple isn't stopping at cognition; rumors swirl of future add-ons like iEmotion for mood enhancement or iDream for custom lucid dreaming – all behind additional paywalls, naturally. Because why own your brain when you can lease it from the company that already owns your phone, watch, and probably your soul?

As the iBrain rolls out next quarter, expect lines longer than those for the latest iPhone. Just remember: in the world of Apple, being smart isn't free, but neither is being dumb – at least not intentionally. Stay tuned to NNTN for more updates on how tech giants are turning our gray matter into greenbacks.