CUPERTINO, CA – In what can only be described as the pinnacle of capitalist innovation, Apple has announced the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant designed to boost your intelligence. But hold onto your wallets, folks – true genius comes at a price. The base model offers 'standard thinking' capabilities, which, according to Apple, is basically what you've been doing your whole life for free. Want to ponder quantum physics or finally understand your tax returns? That's going to require the premium subscription.

During the flashy keynote presentation, Apple's CEO Tim Cook demonstrated the iBrain by solving a Rubik's Cube in under 10 seconds – all while sipping an overpriced latte. 'Imagine a world where your thoughts are as seamless as our ecosystem,' Cook beamed. However, he conveniently glossed over the fact that without the $19.99 monthly fee, users are limited to thoughts like 'I'm hungry' or 'What's on TV?' Critics are already dubbing it the 'pay-to-think' model, perfect for the era of monetized mindfulness.

Early adopters are raving about the implant's features, but only those who can afford it. One beta tester reported unlocking 'advanced sarcasm mode,' allowing him to craft witty comebacks in real-time. Meanwhile, free-tier users are stuck with dad jokes and awkward small talk. Apple assures us this is all about 'democratizing intelligence,' which apparently means making sure only the wealthy get to be smart. Who knew enlightenment had a recurring billing cycle?

Privacy concerns? Apple has those covered – sort of. The iBrain integrates seamlessly with iCloud, meaning all your enhanced thoughts are backed up in the cloud. But don't worry, they're encrypted... until Apple decides to sell anonymized data to advertisers. Imagine targeted ads popping up in your dreams: 'Based on your recent existential crisis, how about this new iTherapy app?' It's innovation at its finest, or dystopia's latest upgrade.

Competitors are scrambling to catch up. Google is rumored to be developing the 'MindMesh,' which promises free basic thoughts but bombards you with ads mid-idea. Meanwhile, Microsoft is working on something called 'BrainClip,' which probably just copies whatever Apple does but with more bugs. In the world of tech, it's clear: if you want to think outside the box, you better be ready to pay for the box.

Apple's stock soared following the announcement, proving once again that investors love anything that smells like recurring revenue. As for the average Joe? Well, if you're not willing to shell out, you might as well stick to your unenhanced brain. After all, ignorance is bliss – and apparently, it's also free. Just don't expect to innovate your way out of that one without a subscription.

In a final twist, Apple revealed that upgrading to the family plan allows you to share premium thoughts with up to five relatives. Because nothing says family bonding like collectively pondering the meaning of life – for an extra $29.99 a month. Welcome to the future, where even your neurons are on a payment plan.