Cupertino, CA – In what can only be described as the pinnacle of capitalist innovation, Apple has announced the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant designed to boost your intelligence. But hold onto your wallets, folks, because this brainpower comes with a catch: a $19.99 monthly subscription fee. Miss a payment, and poof – you're back to forgetting where you left your keys, or worse, your dignity.

At the glitzy launch event, CEO Tim Cook demonstrated the iBrain by solving a Rubik's Cube in under 10 seconds while reciting pi to 100 digits. 'This is the future of human potential,' Cook proclaimed, conveniently glossing over the fine print that reads like a dystopian novel. Early adopters are already lining up, eager to trade their natural smarts for Apple's version, which apparently needs constant updates to function properly.

Critics are quick to point out the ethical quagmire. 'What happens if your credit card expires during a job interview?' asked one bioethicist, who was promptly escorted out by Apple's security team. The company assures users that the implant's 'downgrade mode' merely reduces cognitive enhancements to 'basic human levels,' but leaked beta tests suggest it might induce temporary amnesia, like forgetting your anniversary or how to tie your shoes.

Apple's marketing team is spinning this as a feature, not a bug. 'Think of it as motivation to stay current on your payments,' said a spokesperson with a straight face. The iBrain integrates seamlessly with other Apple products, allowing you to think about your iPhone notifications directly in your cerebral cortex. Who needs mindfulness when you can have mind-full-of-ads?

Competitors are scrambling to respond. Google is rumored to be developing a free alternative called BrainDroid, but it comes with mandatory ad injections straight into your dreams. Meanwhile, privacy advocates warn that Apple's iBrain could track your thoughts, selling data on whether you're pondering world peace or just craving pizza. Because nothing says 'innovation' like monetizing your inner monologue.

As the iBrain rolls out next quarter, society braces for a divide between the subscribed elite and the unsubscribed masses. Will this lead to a new class of super-smart overlords, or just more people yelling at their banks? Only time – and your autopay settings – will tell.