CUPERTINO, CA – In a keynote that had tech enthusiasts drooling and privacy advocates running for the hills, Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant designed to boost your brainpower. Or, as Cook put it, 'It's like having an iPhone in your skull, minus the dropped calls – unless you're thinking too hard.'

The iBrain promises to integrate seamlessly with Apple's ecosystem, allowing users to sync their thoughts directly to iCloud. Forgot your anniversary? No problem – iBrain will ping you with a gentle electric nudge. And for those pesky passwords, it stores them right in your gray matter, ensuring you'll never lock yourself out again. Just hope hackers don't figure out how to pick your brain.

Critics are already sounding alarms about the privacy implications. 'This is basically turning your mind into an open book for Apple,' said one anonymous whistleblower, who was promptly located via their thoughts and invited to a 'friendly chat' at Apple Park. But Apple assures users that all data is encrypted – with the same ironclad security that protects your iMessages from everyone except, well, Apple.

Early adopters are thrilled. 'I used to forget where I parked my car every time,' gushed beta tester Chad from Silicon Valley. 'Now, iBrain not only remembers for me but also judges my parking skills and suggests better spots. It's like having a sarcastic valet in my head!' Of course, Chad didn't mention the part where it auto-subscribes him to Apple Music playlists based on his subconscious humming.

In a satirical twist, conspiracy theorists are claiming iBrain is just a ploy to create an army of Apple zombies. 'First they took our pockets with iPhones, now our brains,' ranted one forum poster. Apple responded by updating the poster's thoughts to 'I love Apple' mid-rant. Just kidding – or are we?

The implant procedure is described as 'minimally invasive,' involving a quick zap from what looks suspiciously like a repurposed AirPods case. Side effects may include sudden urges to buy the latest iGadget, involuntary Siri activations during dreams, and an inexplicable disdain for Android users. But hey, at least you'll be smarter – or at least feel like it.

Apple plans to roll out iBrain next year, priced at a modest $999 for the base model. Upgrades include 'Pro' thinking speeds and 'Max' storage for those really deep thoughts. Because nothing says innovation like monetizing your neurons.