CUPERTINO, CA – In a keynote that had tech enthusiasts drooling more than a golden retriever at a barbecue, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant designed to boost human intelligence. Or, as Cook put it, 'at least help you remember your Netflix password without resorting to sticky notes.'

The iBrain, a tiny chip inserted via a quick outpatient procedure that sounds suspiciously like a sci-fi horror flick, promises to integrate seamlessly with your gray matter. It syncs directly to iCloud, ensuring that every fleeting thought, embarrassing memory, and half-baked idea is backed up in the cloud. Because nothing says 'innovation' like having your innermost secrets stored on servers in who-knows-where.

Critics are already raising eyebrows about privacy concerns. 'Who needs GDPR when you can have your dreams analyzed by algorithms?' quipped one anonymous source, probably while wearing a tinfoil hat. Apple assures users that data is encrypted, but let's be real – if they can predict your next purchase based on your browsing history, imagine what they'll do with your subconscious desires.

Early adopters are thrilled. 'I forgot where I parked my Tesla last week,' said tech bro Chad from Silicon Valley. 'With iBrain, it'll ping my location straight to my cerebral cortex. No more wandering parking lots like a lost puppy!' Of course, Chad didn't mention the part where Apple might sell that data to advertisers, turning your parking woes into targeted ads for valet services.

But it's not all sunshine and seamless integration. Rumors swirl that the iBrain could lead to 'thought glitches,' where users suddenly crave overpriced lattes or feel an inexplicable urge to upgrade their devices annually. Apple's response? 'That's not a bug; it's a feature!' Because in the Apple ecosystem, even your brain gets planned obsolescence.

In a twist that surprises no one, the iBrain will only work with other Apple products. Android users? Tough luck – your thoughts will remain as disorganized as your app drawer. And for those worried about the surgery? Apple promises it's as painless as updating to the latest iOS, which is to say, you'll probably encounter a few unexpected reboots.

As the world ponders this brave new frontier, one thing is clear: Apple's iBrain might not make you Einstein, but it'll ensure you never forget another anniversary – or the fact that Big Tech is always watching. Or thinking. Or whatever comes next in this dystopian tech tango.