CUPERTINO, CA - In a keynote that had more smoke and mirrors than a Vegas magic show, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant designed to 'enhance cognitive functions' or, as skeptics put it, make you feel like a genius while subtly turning your skull into a data goldmine.

The iBrain, which requires a minor surgical procedure that's 'as easy as getting a tattoo, but with more wires,' promises to increase your IQ by up to 20 points. How? By feeding you Wikipedia facts directly into your thoughts and autocorrecting your dumb ideas in real-time. 'Imagine never losing an argument again,' Cook boasted, conveniently ignoring that most arguments are won by volume, not facts.

Of course, this brain-boosting bliss comes with Apple's signature privacy policy: none. The implant will monitor your every neuron firing, curating ads based on your deepest desires. Craving pizza at 3 AM? Expect Domino's drones at your door before you even verbalize it. 'It's not invasion; it's intuition,' said an Apple spokesperson, who was probably programmed to say that.

Tech analysts are divided. Some hail it as the next iPhone, while others warn it could lead to a society of overconfident idiots. 'What if it malfunctions and starts suggesting flat Earth theories?' pondered one critic. Apple assures users that all suggestions are 'curated by our diverse team of algorithms,' which is code for 'whatever sells more iStuff.'

Early adopters are already lining up, undeterred by the $9,999 price tag or the fine print about potential side effects like 'mild existential dread' or 'uncontrollable urge to buy AirPods.' One beta tester reported, 'I feel smarter already! Or is that just the implant telling me to say that?'

In a twist that's pure Apple, the iBrain is incompatible with non-Apple brains, meaning Android users will have to stick to good old-fashioned thinking. 'Innovation isn't for everyone,' Cook quipped, as the audience applauded what might have been sarcasm.

As the world awaits the iBrain's launch, one thing is clear: Apple isn't just selling devices anymore; they're selling a piece of your mind. Literally. Stay tuned for updates, or just think about it – the implant will know.