CUPERTINO, CA - In what can only be described as the pinnacle of technological hubris, Apple has announced the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant that promises to read your thoughts and instantly convert them into targeted advertisements. Forget about typing searches or even speaking to Siri; now, your innermost desires will be monetized before you even realize you have them. Tim Cook, beaming like a man who just sold his soul to the algorithm gods, declared at the keynote, 'We're not just thinking different; we're thinking for you.'

The iBrain, surgically implanted via a quick outpatient procedure that Apple assures is 'as painless as upgrading your iPhone,' taps directly into your cerebral cortex. Craving a latte? Boom, a Starbucks ad pops up in your mind's eye, complete with a one-click purchase option. Privacy advocates are screaming bloody murder, but Apple counters that all data is encrypted—right up until it's sold to the highest bidder. 'Your thoughts are safe with us,' says Apple's PR team, 'unless they're profitable.'

Critics argue this is the death knell for free will. Imagine pondering life's big questions only to be interrupted by a sponsored suggestion for existential philosophy books on Apple Books. Or worse, mid-argument with your spouse, and suddenly you're both bombarded with ads for couples therapy apps. But hey, at least it'll know when you're hangry and order that pizza before you snap at the kids.

Apple's ecosystem integration is, of course, seamless. The iBrain syncs with your Apple Watch to monitor stress levels and push calming ads for overpriced meditation apps. It even interfaces with HomeKit to adjust your smart home based on your mood—dim the lights and cue the sad playlist when it detects breakup thoughts, then subtly suggest dating apps. Because nothing says 'innovation' like turning heartbreak into revenue.

Not everyone is thrilled. Elon Musk tweeted, 'Apple's copying Neuralink, but mine actually does something useful.' Meanwhile, Google is reportedly scrambling to develop an Android equivalent called MindDroid, which will read your thoughts and then crash unexpectedly. Facebook, not to be outdone, is working on MetaMind, which will read your thoughts and immediately share them with all your friends without consent.

But let's not forget the upsides. No more forgetting your shopping list; the iBrain will beam it straight from your subconscious to your Apple Wallet. And for those awkward social situations? It'll suggest witty comebacks sponsored by comedy podcasts. Apple promises future updates will include thought-editing features, because who hasn't wanted to delete a regrettable daydream?

In the end, the iBrain might just be the logical next step in our surrender to Big Tech. Why bother with messy human autonomy when you can have a curated life of endless consumption? As one beta tester put it, 'I thought about buying AirPods, and now I own three pairs. Thanks, Apple!' Privacy? That's so last century.