CUPERTINO, CA - In a keynote address that left tech enthusiasts both thrilled and mildly terrified, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant designed to read your innermost thoughts. But don't worry, folks—it's not for spying on your deepest secrets or plotting world domination. No, Apple's keeping it classy by limiting its powers to bombarding you with hyper-targeted ads based on your fleeting whims. 'Think different... about what to buy next,' Cook quipped, as the audience nervously applauded.

The iBrain, which requires a quick outpatient surgery involving a drill and some proprietary Apple sauce (patent pending), promises to integrate seamlessly with your cerebral cortex. Imagine pondering a midnight snack, and boom—your augmented reality glasses (sold separately) flash deals on cheeseburgers before the hunger pang even hits. Privacy advocates are up in arms, claiming this is just Big Tech's way of turning our brains into billboards. But Apple assures us it's all opt-in, as long as you agree to the 47-page terms of service buried in your iOS update.

Early beta testers report mixed results. One user, who wished to remain anonymous, said, 'I was just thinking about how much I hate my job, and suddenly I'm getting ads for resume builders and tropical vacations. It's like having a pushy salesman in my skull.' Another tester praised the device for suggesting the perfect pair of socks right when they realized their current ones had holes. Apple spokesperson Siri Bot emphasized that the iBrain won't access 'sensitive' thoughts, like political leanings or existential dread—unless, of course, those can be monetized through affiliate links.

Critics argue this is the slippery slope to a dystopian future where corporations own our minds. 'First it's ads for iPhones, next it's subliminal suggestions to vote for the Apple Party,' warned Elon Musk on his competing platform, X (formerly Twitter). Meanwhile, Google's response was swift: they're developing Android Brain, which promises to read your thoughts but crash every five minutes and demand constant updates.

In a surprising twist, the iBrain comes with a 'Do Not Disturb' mode, but activating it requires thinking about pineapples for 30 seconds straight— a task most users find impossible without getting sidetracked by fruit salad ads. Apple plans to roll out the implant next year, priced at a modest $999, with premium features like ad-blocking available for an additional $19.99 per month. Because nothing says innovation like paying to silence the voices in your head.

As the tech world buzzes with anticipation, one thing is clear: the iBrain might just redefine personal privacy—or lack thereof. Will it be a hit, or will users revolt by thinking rebellious thoughts about switching to flip phones? Only time, and a few billion ad impressions, will tell.