CUPERTINO, CA - In a keynote that left tech enthusiasts both thrilled and mildly terrified, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant designed to read your innermost thoughts. But fear not, privacy advocates—it's strictly for serving up hyper-personalized ads. 'Imagine thinking about pizza, and boom, a Domino's coupon appears in your mind's eye,' Cook enthused, as the audience clapped nervously.

The iBrain, a tiny chip inserted via a quick outpatient procedure (anesthesia extra), promises to seamlessly integrate with your brainwaves. According to Apple's press release, it will analyze your subconscious desires and beam targeted suggestions directly into your cortex. 'Why settle for browsing history when we can tap into your dreams?' said one excited engineer, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of ethical backlash.

Critics, however, are raising eyebrows higher than Apple's stock prices. Privacy groups are calling it the ultimate surveillance tool, with one activist quipping, 'This isn't innovation; it's inception for capitalism.' Apple assures users that data is encrypted and only used for 'enhancing user experience'—which apparently includes knowing you crave artisanal cheese before you do.

In a demo that wowed the crowd, a volunteer thought about vacationing in Hawaii, only for iBrain to instantly suggest overpriced flights on Apple Air and a suite at the iResort. 'It's like having a personal shopper in your skull,' beamed the volunteer, ignoring the faint buzz of sponsored content echoing in his head.

Of course, no Apple product is complete without ecosystem lock-in. The iBrain pairs exclusively with other Apple devices, meaning your thoughts must sync via iCloud. Forgot your password? Well, good luck retrieving those repressed memories without a $99 recovery fee.

Skeptics worry about glitches— what if it misreads 'I need a break' as 'Buy brake pads'? Or worse, confuses existential dread with a hankering for existentialist literature on Apple Books? Apple's response: 'Our AI is 99.9% accurate, and hey, who doesn't love a surprise Kierkegaard recommendation?'

As pre-orders skyrocket, one thing's clear: the future of tech is literally mind-blowing. Just remember, with iBrain, your thoughts aren't private—they're profitable. Stay tuned for the inevitable class-action lawsuit edition.