CUPERTINO, CA - In a keynote that had tech enthusiasts drooling like Pavlov's dogs at the sound of a notification ping, Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant designed to read your thoughts. But there's a catch: it only works if you think in emojis. 'Finally, a way to express your deepest desires without all that pesky language getting in the way,' Cook beamed, as the audience clapped with the enthusiasm of seals awaiting fish.

The iBrain, surgically implanted via a quick outpatient procedure that Apple assures is 'less invasive than updating to iOS 17,' promises to translate your brainwaves into actionable commands. Craving a latte? Just picture a coffee cup emoji, and your nearest Apple Watch will order it for you. But woe to those who think in full sentences; the device reportedly glitches out, turning profound musings into a chaotic stream of thumbs-ups and eggplants.

Critics, however, are not impressed. Tech analyst Sarah Byte called it 'the ultimate lock-in ecosystem.' 'Apple's basically saying, if you want your brain to work with our tech, you have to dumb it down to pictograms,' she quipped. Privacy advocates are up in arms, warning that the iBrain could turn your skull into a data mine, harvesting thoughts for targeted ads. Imagine pondering existential dread and suddenly getting pop-ups for mindfulness apps.

Apple isn't backing down, though. The company has already lined up celebrity endorsements, with influencers posting videos of themselves 'thinking' their way through selfies. One viral clip shows a starlet summoning a virtual wardrobe by envisioning dress and high-heel emojis. 'It's like having Siri in your head, but sassier,' she gushed. Meanwhile, beta testers report side effects like involuntary emoji outbursts during serious conversations, leading to awkward boardroom moments.

To sweeten the deal, Apple is bundling the iBrain with a new app store category: ThoughtWare. Users can purchase premium emoji packs to 'enhance' their mental vocabulary. Want to think about quantum physics? There's an atom emoji upgrade for just $4.99. Skeptics argue this is just another ploy to monetize every aspect of human existence, from breathing (via Apple Air) to now thinking.

In response to backlash, Apple released a statement: 'We're not reading minds; we're facilitating expression in the universal language of emojis.' But as the iBrain rolls out next quarter, one thing's clear: in the future, if you can't say it with a smiling poop, it might not be worth saying at all.