CUPERTINO, CA – In a move that's equal parts innovative and insidious, Apple has unveiled the iBrain, a neural implant that promises to read your thoughts and turn them into actions. But early testers report that instead of pondering life's great mysteries, the device seems fixated on suggesting you buy more dongles, cases, and those fancy stands that cost as much as a small car.

At the glitzy launch event, CEO Tim Cook demonstrated the iBrain by thinking about his morning coffee, only for the implant to immediately pop up a notification: 'Would you like to upgrade to the iCoffee Maker Pro for just $499? Pair it with our exclusive iMug for an extra $99!' Critics are calling it the ultimate in consumer mind control, where your deepest desires are rerouted straight to Apple's online store.

One beta user, who wished to remain anonymous, shared their experience: 'I was thinking about my grocery list, and suddenly my brain was flooded with ads for Apple-branded organic kale chips. It's like having a pushy salesman living inside your skull, except this one knows exactly when you're vulnerable – like right after a breakup, suggesting you drown your sorrows in a new pair of AirPods.'

Privacy advocates are up in arms, warning that the iBrain could harvest thoughts for targeted advertising on a whole new level. 'Forget cookies; this thing bakes the whole damn bakery in your brain,' quipped one expert. Apple assures users that data is encrypted, but skeptics point out that the encryption key is probably sold separately for $29.99.

Despite the backlash, Wall Street is thrilled, with Apple's stock surging on news of the implant. Analysts predict billions in revenue from 'thought-based impulse buys,' where users might absentmindedly purchase a new MacBook just by daydreaming about productivity. 'It's genius,' said one investor. 'Who needs free will when you can have free shipping?'

The iBrain isn't without its quirks. Some users report glitches where the device misinterprets thoughts – like confusing 'I need to call my mom' with 'I need to buy the new iPhone Mom Edition.' And let's not forget the mandatory subscription to iThink Premium, which unlocks 'advanced cognition features' for a mere $9.99 a month.

In the end, Apple's iBrain might just be the pinnacle of tech evolution: a device that knows you better than you know yourself, but only to sell you stuff you don't need. As one satirical commentator put it, 'Finally, a way to monetize existential dread – by turning it into a shopping spree!' Stay tuned for the inevitable lawsuits and software updates that fix nothing but add more ads.