CUPERTINO, CA – In a move that's equal parts innovative and invasively mundane, Apple has unveiled its latest product: the iBrain implant. This tiny chip, surgically inserted into your gray matter, promises to revolutionize how you interact with your thoughts—specifically, the ones that involve grocery lists and weather complaints.

According to Apple's keynote, presented by a suspiciously chipper Tim Cook, the iBrain will scan your neural pathways for 'safe' thoughts and convert them into push notifications on your iPhone. Forgot to pick up eggs? Boom, reminder. Wondering if it's raining outside? Instant weather app ping. But don't worry, any thoughts about politics, religion, or that weird dream you had last night? Those stay locked away, unmonetized and unnotified.

Critics are already buzzing—or should we say, neurally firing—with concerns. 'What happens if I think about something spicy, like pineapple on pizza?' asked one beta tester. Apple's response? 'The iBrain is programmed to filter out divisive content to maintain a family-friendly ecosystem.' Translation: Your brain's hot takes remain private, while your banal musings get premium ad space.

The implant comes with a suite of apps, including iThought Organizer, which sorts your mental to-do lists into color-coded categories, and Siri Synapse, an AI that anticipates your needs before you even think them—sort of. 'It's like having a personal assistant in your head,' boasted an Apple exec, 'but one that only handles the boring stuff so you can focus on... whatever else you do.'

Privacy advocates are up in arms, or at least thinking about it quietly. 'This is a slippery slope to total mind control,' warned one expert. Apple counters that all data is encrypted and only shared with approved partners, like your local supermarket for targeted milk ads. Because nothing says 'innovation' like sponsored synapses.

Early adopters report mixed results. 'I thought about buying a new MacBook, and suddenly I had a financing offer in my notifications,' said one user. 'But when I pondered the meaning of life? Crickets.' It seems the iBrain excels at capitalism but flops at existentialism.

In true Apple fashion, the iBrain starts at $999, with premium models offering 'thought expansion packs' for an extra fee. Pre-orders begin next week, but only if you're thinking happy thoughts about it.