CUPERTINO, CA – In a keynote that left audiences both speechless and thoughtless, Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the iBrain, a revolutionary neural implant designed to do all your thinking for you. 'Why bother with the messy business of original ideas when our algorithms can curate them perfectly?' Cook quipped, as the crowd nodded in pre-programmed agreement.

The iBrain, surgically implanted via a quick outpatient procedure at your local Apple Store, connects directly to Apple's cloud services. It promises to generate thoughts on demand, from mundane decisions like 'What should I have for lunch?' to profound ones like 'What's the meaning of life?' Spoiler: According to Apple, it's subscribing to Apple One.

Critics are already hailing it as the ultimate solution to decision fatigue. 'Finally, a way to outsource my existential dread,' said one beta tester. The device even comes with customizable thought packs, including 'Hipster Musings' for that artisanal coffee vibe and 'Corporate Drone' for seamless boardroom banter.

But not everyone's on board. Privacy advocates warn that Apple could access your innermost thoughts – or lack thereof. 'This is basically mind control with a premium price tag,' grumbled Edward Snowden from an undisclosed location. Apple assures users that all thoughts are end-to-end encrypted, unless, of course, they're deemed unprofitable.

In a demo, Cook showcased how iBrain integrates with other Apple products. 'Siri, think for me,' he commanded, and the implant whispered stock tips directly into his brain. The audience erupted in applause, or at least that's what their iBrains told them to do.

Rumors suggest future updates will include 'Thought Sharing' via AirDrop, allowing users to borrow ideas from friends. 'Why think alone when you can crowdsource conformity?' Apple's marketing materials boast.

As the iBrain rolls out next fall for a mere $999 (plus installation fees), one thing's clear: The era of independent thought is over. Long live the hive mind – brought to you by Apple.