CUPERTINO, CA – In a groundbreaking announcement that's sure to make philosophers everywhere weep into their existential coffees, Apple has unveiled the iBrain Implant. This tiny chip, surgically inserted into your noggin, promises to do all your thinking for you. No more pesky decisions like what to have for breakfast or whether to binge-watch that new series. Apple's got your back – or rather, your brain.

According to Apple CEO Tim Cook, speaking from a stage that looked suspiciously like a sci-fi movie set, 'We've revolutionized the smartphone, the watch, and now, the mind. Why bother with original ideas when you can have ours? The iBrain will curate your thoughts, ensuring they're always on-brand and algorithm-approved.' Critics are already dubbing it the ultimate echo chamber, but hey, at least it'll match your iPhone aesthetic.

The implant works by syncing with your neural pathways, feeding you pre-approved thoughts downloaded from Apple's cloud. Feeling a spark of creativity? Zap! It's replaced with a sponsored idea from your favorite influencer. Early beta testers report never having to suffer through awkward silences in conversations again – the iBrain auto-generates witty comebacks, all for a low subscription fee of $9.99 a month.

Privacy advocates are up in arms, claiming this is just another way for Big Tech to mine your innermost thoughts. But Apple assures us that all data is encrypted – right before it's sold to advertisers. 'Your thoughts are safe with us,' says the fine print, 'unless they're profitable.'

Competitors aren't far behind. Google is rumored to be developing the 'ThinkTank,' which will flood your brain with search results before you even form a question. Meanwhile, Meta's 'MindBook' aims to turn your subconscious into a never-ending feed of targeted ads and cat videos.

Parents are thrilled, envisioning a world where kids' rebellious thoughts are nipped in the bud. 'No more teenage angst,' one mom gushed. 'Just wholesome, Apple-sanctioned daydreams about buying more AirPods.'

As the world braces for a future of homogenized cognition, one thing's for sure: with iBrain, independent thinking is so last century. Welcome to the era where your mind is just another app in the ecosystem. Update available now – resistance is futile.