CUPERTINO, CA – In what can only be described as a dystopian dream come true for marketers everywhere, Apple has announced the iPhone 16, a smartphone that doesn't just respond to your touch – it dives straight into your brainwaves. Forget about privacy; this bad boy promises to 'read your mind' to deliver hyper-targeted ads right when you're most vulnerable. Because who needs free will when you can have a personalized coupon for that artisanal kale smoothie you've been subconsciously craving?

At the glitzy launch event, CEO Tim Cook beamed like a man who'd just sold his soul to the algorithm gods. 'Imagine your phone knowing you want a new pair of sneakers before you even do,' he enthused, while dodging questions about whether this tech could accidentally broadcast your deepest, darkest secrets to your contacts list. The iPhone 16's new NeuralAd engine uses advanced AI to scan your thoughts – or at least that's what the press release claims. Skeptics wonder if it's just fancy EEG sensors disguised as a sleeker notch.

But fear not, privacy advocates! Apple assures us that all mind-reading data will be encrypted and stored securely on their servers – you know, the ones that occasionally get hacked by bored teenagers. The feature is opt-in, sort of, buried under seventeen layers of terms and conditions that no one reads. Early beta testers report eerie accuracy: one user thought about pizza, and bam – Domino's ads flooded their screen, complete with a drone delivery option. It's like having a psychic stalker in your pocket, but one that pays the bills through affiliate links.

Critics are already sounding the alarm, calling it the death knell for spontaneous human decision-making. 'What happens when your phone anticipates your breakup and starts pushing dating apps before you've even had the fight?' pondered tech ethicist Dr. Elena Worrywart. Meanwhile, Apple's stock soared, proving that investors love nothing more than commodifying the human psyche. The iPhone 16 also boasts a camera that can photograph your dreams, but only if they're sponsored by Nikon.

In a twist of irony, the device's slogan is 'Think Different – We'll Do It For You.' Pre-orders are through the roof, with fans camping out virtually in the metaverse. As one excited customer put it, 'Finally, a phone that understands me better than my therapist – and it's cheaper too!' But as we hurtle toward this brave new world of telepathic capitalism, one can't help but wonder: if your phone knows what you want before you do, are you still the one in control? Or is it time to trade in for a flip phone and some peace of mind?

Not to be outdone, competitors are scrambling. Google is rumored to be developing an Android that reads your aura, while Samsung plans a foldable that predicts your future regrets. Apple's move sets a new bar for invasive innovation, ensuring that the future of tech is less about empowerment and more about endless upselling. So go ahead, upgrade to the iPhone 16 – your thoughts are now officially for sale.