CUPERTINO, CA – In a keynote that felt more like a dystopian fever dream than a product launch, Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the iPhone 17, a smartphone that supposedly reads your mind. But don't get too excited about telepathic texting or psychic Siri – this brain-scanning wizardry is strictly reserved for shoving ads down your neural pathways. 'Imagine a world where your phone knows you want a $200 charging cable before you do,' Cook beamed, as the audience pondered their life choices.

The iPhone 17's marquee feature, dubbed 'NeuralNag,' uses advanced AI to scan your thoughts and predict purchases. Craving a latte? Boom, an ad for Apple's overpriced coffee mug accessory pops up in your mental feed. Thinking about a vacation? Here's a targeted pitch for iLuggage, the suitcase that only pairs with Apple devices and costs as much as a small car. Critics are already calling it the ultimate in invasive capitalism, but Apple insists it's 'empowering users to buy more stuff they don't need.'

Privacy advocates are up in arms, but Apple has a workaround: the mind-reading only activates for 'commercial enhancement.' Your deepest secrets? Safe. Your impulse to splurge on AirPods? Fair game. One beta tester reported the phone suggesting a new Apple Watch after he merely thought about his expanding waistline. 'It's like having a judgmental personal shopper in your head,' he said, while ordering said watch.

Competitors aren't impressed. Samsung quipped that their next phone will read minds too, but for useful things like reminding you to call your mom. Google, meanwhile, is rumored to be developing a Pixel that reads your mind and then sells the data to the highest bidder. Apple, ever the innovator, promises that their version will at least come with a premium price tag and a smug sense of superiority.

In a twist that surprises no one, the iPhone 17 starts at $1,499, with mind-reading upgrades available via subscription. 'Because nothing says innovation like paying monthly to have your thoughts monetized,' noted one sarcastic analyst. As the event wrapped, Cook closed with, 'The future is here, and it's sponsored by Apple.' The crowd applauded, their minds already buzzing with ads for commemorative keynote merch.

Early reviews are mixed. Tech bloggers praise the seamless integration, while ethicists warn of a slippery slope to full-blown corporate telepathy. One user joked, 'Finally, a phone that knows I'm broke before I check my bank app – and still tries to sell me stuff.' Apple, undeterred, is already teasing iPhone 18: the one that reads your dog's mind for premium pet accessories.

But hey, in a world where your fridge spies on you and your toaster tweets, why not let your phone into your skull? Just remember, with great power comes great responsibility – and apparently, a lot of targeted ads for things you didn't even know you wanted. Welcome to the future, brought to you by Apple: Because your thoughts aren't private anymore.