Cupertino, CA – In a keynote that felt more like a dystopian sci-fi pitch, Apple unveiled the iPhone 17 today, boasting revolutionary mind-reading technology. But hold your excitement – it's not for unlocking telepathic communication with your loved ones. Nope, this brain-scanning wizardry is laser-focused on one thing: bombarding you with ads so personalized, they'll make you question if you've been living in a simulation all along.

According to Apple's CEO, Tim Cook, the iPhone 17's NeuralLink™ feature uses advanced AI to 'gently peek' into your thoughts. 'Imagine thinking about pizza, and boom – a coupon for Domino's appears on your screen,' Cook enthused, while privacy experts in the audience collectively facepalmed. Critics argue this is less about convenience and more about turning your subconscious into a goldmine for advertisers.

The device reportedly employs a combination of EEG sensors and machine learning algorithms to predict desires before you even articulate them. Want a new pair of sneakers? The iPhone 17 knows, and it'll serve up sponsored content from Nike faster than you can say 'invasion of privacy.' Apple assures users that data is 'anonymized,' but skeptics point out that 'anonymous' in tech speak often means 'we know it's you, but we pinky promise not to tell.'

Privacy advocates are already mobilizing, with groups like the Electronic Frontier Foundation calling it 'the end of mental sovereignty.' One activist quipped, 'If Apple can read my mind, they better be ready for the barrage of existential dread and random song lyrics stuck in there.' Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists are thrilled, claiming this proves the Illuminati's involvement in smartphone design.

But it's not all doom and gloom. Apple has included a 'Mind Shield' mode, which supposedly blocks ad-related mind probes – for a premium subscription fee, of course. Because nothing says 'we value your privacy' like charging you extra to keep it. Early adopters are lining up, eager to trade their innermost thoughts for slightly faster access to targeted junk mail.

In a twist of irony, the iPhone 17's launch event was sponsored by several major brands, whose ads mysteriously aligned with attendees' reported cravings for coffee and overpriced gadgets. As the world grapples with this brave new era of thought commerce, one thing is clear: your brain is the final frontier, and Apple just planted its flag – right next to a billboard.