CUPERTINO, CA – In a keynote that felt more like a cult initiation than a product launch, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iPhone 27, boasting revolutionary mind-reading capabilities. 'This isn't just a phone; it's your telepathic best friend,' Cook declared, while demonstrators on stage pretended to have their thoughts scanned for optimal emoji suggestions.

The device's marquee feature, dubbed 'MindLink Pro,' allegedly taps into users' brainwaves to anticipate needs, from ordering coffee to composing passive-aggressive texts to your ex. But there's a catch: it only activates if you're channeling pure, unadulterated positivity toward Tim Cook himself. 'Think of it as a loyalty program for your subconscious,' explained an Apple spokesperson, dodging questions about what happens if you harbor secret doubts about the company's pricing strategy.

Sources close to the development reveal that the iPhone 27 uses advanced AI to filter out 'negative vibes,' ensuring that only thoughts laced with admiration for Apple's ecosystem unlock full functionality. Want to use the camera? Better visualize Tim Cook's genius. Need directions? Daydream about that time he revolutionized the smartwatch. Critics argue this is less about innovation and more about enforcing brand worship.

Skeptics, including tech analysts and disgruntled former employees, aren't buying the psychic hype. 'It's probably just scraping your browsing history and predicting based on your endless Apple Store visits,' said one anonymous insider. They point out that the device conveniently suggests purchasing more Apple products whenever your mind wanders to budget concerns.

Early beta testers report mixed results. One user claimed the phone read their craving for pizza and auto-ordered from a partnered chain – but only after they meditated on Cook's visionary TED Talk. Another tester's device locked up when they accidentally thought about switching to Android, prompting a pop-up sermon on the virtues of iOS loyalty.

Privacy advocates are up in arms, warning that MindLink Pro could be the ultimate data-harvesting tool disguised as convenience. 'If it requires happy thoughts about the CEO, what's next? Mandatory dreams about quarterly earnings?' quipped a digital rights activist. Apple assures users that all mind data is encrypted and stored in the cloud – because nothing says security like floating your innermost thoughts in cyberspace.

As pre-orders skyrocket among the Apple faithful, the iPhone 27 raises questions about the future of personal tech. Will we all be forced to curate our mental landscapes to appease corporate overlords? Or is this just another flashy gimmick that'll be obsolete by iPhone 28? One thing's for sure: if you're not thinking happy thoughts, you might as well stick with your old flip phone.