In a shocking revelation that's left Washington insiders choking on their lo mein, President Joe Biden's longtime ghostwriter has come clean: every single one of the commander-in-chief's stirring speeches was cobbled together from fortune cookie messages. 'It started as a joke,' confessed the anonymous scribe, who we'll call 'Wonton Willy' for anonymity's sake. 'But hey, who knew 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step' could double as trade policy with China?'

The confession came during a late-night dim sum session, where Willy spilled the beans—or rather, the soy sauce—on how he transformed humble takeout tidbits into Oval Office oratory. Sources close to the White House say this explains Biden's penchant for cryptic one-liners, like advising world leaders to 'embrace change like a panda hugs bamboo.' Critics are now retroactively analyzing past addresses, wondering if 'fortune favors the bold' was really about military aid to Ukraine or just a nod to extra spicy General Tso's.

Former speechwriters from previous administrations are both appalled and impressed. 'I slaved over metaphors for hours,' grumbled one Obama-era wordsmith. 'This guy just cracks open a cookie and calls it a State of the Union? Genius, if not lazy.' Willy defends his method, pointing out that fortune cookies are bipartisan, gluten-free, and occasionally come with lottery numbers—perfect for budget talks.

Even Biden's gaffes now make sense in this new light. That time he told a crowd 'help is on the way' after fumbling a line? Straight from a cookie that probably accompanied sweet and sour pork. Insiders whisper that the president's teleprompter glitches were actually just Willy scrambling to glue together mismatched fortunes, leading to gems like 'Patience is a virtue, but hurry up with those infrastructure bills.'

As the scandal unfolds, Republicans are demanding a full investigation, dubbing it 'FortuneGate.' Democrats, meanwhile, are spinning it as innovative recycling. 'Why waste good wisdom?' quipped one aide. And in a twist that's pure satire gold, the Chinese government has issued a statement claiming intellectual property theft, demanding royalties on every 'ancient proverb' uttered from the podium.

Willy isn't backing down, teasing a tell-all book titled 'Cookies and Commanders: How Takeout Saved Democracy.' He hints at future revelations, like how Biden's ice cream obsession ties into dessert fortunes. For now, the nation waits with bated breath—or is that garlic breath?—for the president's next address, hoping it's more than just 'You will soon embark on a new adventure... in the Middle East.'

Political analysts predict this could reshape speechwriting forever. Imagine Trump's tweets as haikus or Kamala Harris quoting Yelp reviews. But for Biden, it's business as usual: another day, another delivery order, another dose of edible enlightenment ruling the free world.