In a shocking revelation that's left Washington insiders chuckling over their chow mein, President Joe Biden's ghostwriter has come clean: those stirring State of the Union addresses? Yeah, they're basically a collage of fortune cookie slips. Anonymous sources close to the Oval Office pantry confirmed that the President's eloquent oratory is less Lincoln-Douglas debate and more 'Confucius say' meets takeout Tuesday.

The ghostwriter, who we'll call 'Fortune Fred' to protect his identity (and his supply of sesame chicken), admitted in a leaked memo that crafting Biden's speeches involves raiding the White House's endless stash of post-Chinese delivery fortunes. 'It's efficient,' Fred explained. 'Why reinvent the wheel when 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step' perfectly sums up our infrastructure bill?' Critics, however, point out that this method might explain why Biden once urged Congress to 'embrace the duck sauce of bipartisanship.'

White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre neither confirmed nor denied the allegations but did note that the President's favorite fortune is 'Help! I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory!' When pressed for details, she pivoted to discussing the administration's bold new initiative on affordable lo mein for all Americans.

Political analysts are divided on the impact. Some say it's genius – after all, who doesn't love a good fortune? Others worry it sets a dangerous precedent. 'Next thing you know, we'll have Trump tweeting haikus from his McDonald's wrappers,' quipped one pundit. But supporters argue it's relatable: 'Finally, a president who speaks the language of the people – vague, optimistic, and occasionally ending with lottery numbers.'

The scandal broke when eagle-eyed viewers noticed Biden's climate speech concluding with 'You will meet a tall, dark carbon footprint.' Conspiracy theorists are now combing through old addresses for hidden messages, like the time he said, 'Prosperity is just around the corner... and it's bringing egg rolls.'

Insiders reveal the process: Fred dumps a bag of fortunes on the Resolute Desk, Biden picks his favorites while munching on General Tso's, and voila – policy gold. 'It's eco-friendly too,' Fred added. 'Recycling paper from Panda Express into presidential prose.'

Republicans are seizing the opportunity, with one senator proposing a bill to mandate all speeches be sourced from American-made cookies only. 'No more foreign wisdom influencing our leader!' he thundered, conveniently ignoring that fortune cookies were invented in California.

As the dust settles, one thing's clear: Biden's next address might just predict 'A wise leader knows when to order delivery.' And if it ends with 'You will find great success in bed,' well, at least it's bipartisan advice everyone can get behind.