In a shocking confession that has Washington buzzing like a hive of caffeinated bees, President Joe Biden's ghostwriter has come clean: those stirring State of the Union addresses? Yeah, they're basically just a bunch of fortune cookie slips duct-taped together. Anonymous sources close to the Oval Office pantry report that Biden's speeches have been pieced together from a secret hoard of ancient takeout wisdom, collected over decades of late-night Chinese food binges.
The ghostwriter, who we'll call 'Fortune Fred' to protect his identity (and his supply of moo goo gai pan), admitted during a clandestine interview that the process is simpler than assembling IKEA furniture. 'We crack open a cookie, read the fortune, and if it sounds vaguely presidential, boom—it's in the speech,' Fred explained. This explains why Biden's foreign policy often boils down to gems like 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... towards Ukraine.'
Critics have long puzzled over the cryptic nature of Biden's oratory, but now it all makes sense. Remember that impassioned plea for unity? Straight from a cookie that said, 'Harmony is the key to success—pass the soy sauce.' And that tough talk on inflation? 'Patience is a virtue, especially when waiting for egg rolls.' White House insiders say the fortune cookie method has been a game-changer, turning mundane meals into masterful rhetoric.
Of course, not every fortune makes the cut. Fred shared some rejects, like 'You will meet a tall, dark stranger... who might be a Russian spy.' Too on-the-nose, apparently. But the system isn't without its perks—Biden's team claims it fosters creativity and keeps speeches gluten-free. 'It's eco-friendly too,' Fred added. 'We're recycling wisdom that's been around since Confucius ordered delivery.'
As the news spreads, political opponents are seizing the opportunity to crack jokes. One Republican senator quipped, 'If Biden's speeches are from fortune cookies, no wonder his policies are half-baked.' Meanwhile, Democrats defend the practice, arguing that in these divisive times, a little cookie-cutter advice is just what the doctor ordered—along with some General Tso's chicken.
Looking ahead, the White House is reportedly negotiating a bulk deal with Panda Express for an unlimited supply of fortunes. 'We're preparing for the midterms,' Fred whispered. 'Gotta stock up on those 'Change is coming' slips.' Whether this revelation will crumble Biden's approval ratings or just add a sweet twist to his legacy remains to be seen. One thing's for sure: in politics, fortune favors the bold... and the hungry.
