Washington, D.C. – In what can only be described as a comedic showdown for the ages, President Joe Biden turned a routine press conference into a battlefield yesterday, where his arch-nemesis wasn't a foreign dictator or a pesky reporter, but his own teleprompter. Eyewitnesses report that the skirmish began innocently enough, with Biden squinting at the screen like it owed him money from a poker game back in '72.

As the president launched into his prepared remarks on economic policy, the teleprompter decided to go rogue, scrolling at a pace that would make a caffeinated squirrel jealous. Biden, never one to back down from a challenge, attempted to ad-lib his way through, resulting in a declaration that the U.S. would 'build a wall around inflation' and 'send ice cream trucks to the border for diplomacy.'

White House aides were seen scrambling like Keystone Cops, whispering furiously into earpieces and exchanging baffled glances. One anonymous staffer confided, 'We thought he was announcing a new trade deal with Canada, but it turned out he was pledging allegiance to pancakes. It was chaos, pure maple syrup chaos.'

The teleprompter, undeterred by Biden's stern glares and finger-wagging, continued its sabotage by displaying what appeared to be lyrics from an old folk song instead of the scripted points on climate change. This led to an impromptu announcement that the administration would 'blowin' in the wind' its way to net-zero emissions, leaving environmentalists both amused and utterly perplexed.

By the end of the conference, Biden had inadvertently promised to rename the Oval Office the 'Oval Orifice' and challenged Russian President Putin to a staring contest over Zoom. Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre later clarified that these were not official policies, but 'just Joe being Joe – you know, the guy who once wrestled a corn dog at a state fair.'

Critics from across the aisle couldn't resist piling on. One Republican senator quipped, 'If Biden can't handle a teleprompter, how's he supposed to handle the nuclear codes? At least the teleprompter doesn't have a red button.'

Supporters, however, rallied around the gaffe-prone leader, praising his 'authenticity' and 'relatability.' A Biden fan tweeted, 'Who needs scripted speeches when you've got unfiltered Biden? It's like watching your grandpa try to set up Netflix – endearing and slightly terrifying.'

As the dust settles, the White House has announced plans to upgrade to a 'Biden-proof' teleprompter, complete with voice-activated controls and perhaps a built-in nap alarm. Until then, the nation holds its breath for the next presser, wondering what delightful disasters await.