In a move that's sure to revolutionize the American workday, President Joe Biden has officially declared his daily afternoon nap as a national holiday. Dubbed 'Biden's Siesta Spectacular,' the new observance mandates that all citizens drop everything between 2 and 4 PM to catch some Z's, or at least pretend to. White House insiders claim this will unify the nation in a collective yawn, finally bridging the divide between insomniacs and professional snoozers.

The announcement came during a press conference where Biden, fresh from a power nap, enthusiastically slurred his support for the initiative. 'Folks, I've been napping for decades, and look where it's gotten me – the Oval Office!' he proclaimed, before dozing off mid-sentence. Supporters argue that emulating the president's rest routine will lead to zero productivity gains, which is apparently the goal in this bold new era of governmental efficiency.

Economists are scratching their heads over the projected impact. 'Boosting productivity by 0% is ambitious,' said one expert, who wished to remain anonymous lest they be forced to nap on the job. 'It's like aiming for mediocrity and hitting the bullseye.' Businesses across the country are already preparing by installing hammocks in boardrooms and piping in lullabies over PA systems.

Critics, however, are up in arms – or at least trying to stay awake long enough to protest. 'This is just an excuse for laziness!' shouted one caffeinated opponent at a rally. But even they admitted that fighting the urge to nod off during the designated hours might prove futile, especially with the new federal nap enforcers patrolling the streets armed with fluffy pillows and warm milk.

Schoolchildren are thrilled about the holiday, as it means mandatory quiet time replaces math class. 'Finally, a president who gets us,' said little Timmy, age 8, while practicing his best Biden impression by snoring through recess. Teachers, on the other hand, are plotting ways to turn nap time into educational opportunities, like dreaming about history instead of studying it.

Internationally, world leaders are taking notes. Vladimir Putin reportedly chuckled, 'If America naps, we conquer!' while others see it as a diplomatic olive branch – nothing says peace like synchronized global shut-eye. The UN is considering a resolution to make it worldwide, potentially ending conflicts by ensuring everyone's too sleepy to fight.

As the first Biden's Siesta Spectacular approaches, Americans are stocking up on eye masks and earplugs. Whether this leads to a more rested nation or just more awkward mid-afternoon drooling remains to be seen. One thing's for sure: in the land of the free and the home of the brave, we're now also the realm of the relentlessly relaxed.