WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what can only be described as the most productive accident since the invention of penicillin, Congress has passed a bill declaring Mondays illegal, effective immediately. The legislation, originally intended to regulate imported cheese tariffs, somehow morphed into a full-on assault on the calendar's most hated day after a series of clerical errors and what sources call 'extreme caffeine deprivation.'

House Speaker Mike Johnson, looking both bewildered and relieved, addressed the press: 'Look, we meant to fix the dairy industry, but if this means no more Monday morning meetings, I'm calling it a win.' Democrats and Republicans alike high-fived in the aisles, with one senator overheard muttering, 'Finally, something we can all agree on – screw Mondays.'

The bill's origins trace back to a late-night session where exhausted aides mixed up amendment papers. What started as a debate on 'mozzarella mandates' quickly devolved into rants about 'Monday mandates,' leading to the historic vote. Political analysts are hailing it as the pinnacle of bipartisanship, proving that nothing unites Americans like mutual disdain for the post-weekend blues.

Reactions poured in from across the nation. Office workers rejoiced, with one accountant declaring, 'This is better than winning the lottery – no more TPS reports on a Monday!' Even Garfield the cat issued a statement through his publicist: 'About damn time.'

However, not everyone is thrilled. Calendar manufacturers are scrambling, and motivational speakers who thrive on 'Monday mindset' seminars are reportedly in therapy. One such guru lamented, 'My entire empire was built on conquering Mondays. Now what? Tackle Tuesdays?'

President Biden, upon signing the bill, quipped, 'Folks, I've stared down Mondays my whole career, and let me tell you, this is the real infrastructure win.' The White House has already announced plans for 'Extended Sunday Funday' initiatives to fill the void.

Critics warn of unintended consequences, like a surge in 'Tuesday hangovers' or the collapse of the coffee industry, which relies heavily on Monday desperation. Economists predict a 20% drop in productivity, but a 50% rise in national happiness indices.

As the nation adjusts to this six-day week, one thing is clear: Congress may have stumbled into genius. If they can accidentally fix Mondays, what's next? Banning traffic jams? Outlawing bad hair days? The possibilities are endless, and for once, no one's complaining.