WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning display of fiscal ingenuity, Congress has narrowly avoided a government shutdown by unanimously agreeing to fund essential services using the loose change discovered in the cushions of the Capitol Building's ancient couches. Sources close to the situation report that the haul includes a whopping $47.32 in quarters, dimes, and what appears to be a Roman denarius from Emperor Nero's era.

The breakthrough came during a late-night session when House Speaker Mike Johnson, frustrated with partisan bickering, dramatically flipped over a lobby sofa and yelled, 'Eureka!' Eyewitnesses say the coins spilled out like jackpot winnings from a malfunctioning slot machine, prompting cheers from both sides of the aisle. 'Who knew fiscal responsibility was hiding under our butts all along?' quipped one anonymous senator.

Economists are scratching their heads over this unorthodox budgeting tactic. 'It's not exactly the balanced budget we envisioned,' admitted Dr. Penny Pincher from the Institute of Fiscal Follies. 'But hey, if it keeps the IRS from shutting down, I'm all for raiding the vending machine next.' The discovered funds are earmarked for critical programs, including national defense (allocated three nickels) and social security (a shiny new penny).

Critics argue this sets a dangerous precedent. 'What's next? Funding NASA with bottle returns?' tweeted former President Donald Trump. Meanwhile, progressive voices are demanding an audit of all congressional furniture, suspecting hidden treasures in desk drawers and under rugs. 'There could be enough lint balls to knit a sweater for the national debt,' joked Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

As the nation breathes a sigh of relief, maintenance staff have been tasked with a full-scale couch excavation. Early reports indicate additional findings: a half-eaten candy bar, several lost remotes, and what might be Jimmy Hoffa's wallet. With shutdown averted, lawmakers are already planning their next move—perhaps a bake sale to tackle the deficit.

In a final twist, the denarius has been appraised at $500, which will go toward printing more 'In God We Trust' signs for federal buildings. As one lobbyist put it, 'This proves Congress can come together when the chips—or coins—are down.' Stay tuned for updates; next week, they might check the vending machines for loose bills.