In a groundbreaking move that has sleepyheads across the nation cheering from their beds, Congress is seriously debating a bill to outlaw alarm clocks. Sponsored by Representative Snooze McSnoozerson (D-Bedroom), the legislation claims that the shrill beeping of these infernal devices constitutes cruel and unusual punishment under the Eighth Amendment. 'Why should Americans be tortured awake when they could be gently roused by the aroma of fresh coffee or, better yet, not at all?' McSnoozerson argued on the House floor, while stifling a yawn.

Opponents of the bill, mostly early birds from the Republican side, are up in arms—literally, as they've been spotted clutching their coffee mugs like lifelines. 'This is an attack on American productivity!' thundered Senator Rise N. Shine (R-Morning Person). 'Without alarm clocks, how will we ever get to our 9-to-5 jobs on time? Next thing you know, they'll ban Mondays!' But proponents counter that productivity isn't about quantity of hours; it's about quality naps.

The bill's most revolutionary provision calls for mandatory siestas, inspired by Mediterranean cultures where afternoon snoozes are practically a national sport. Under the proposed law, every workplace would be required to provide hammocks and eye masks between 2 and 4 p.m. 'Imagine a world where instead of nodding off during meetings, we actually schedule it,' said one enthusiastic supporter, who admitted to dozing through the interview.

Critics worry about the economic fallout. Alarm clock manufacturers are already lobbying hard, with slogans like 'Don't Hit Snooze on Jobs!' Economists predict a boom in the pillow industry but a bust for coffee chains, as well-rested Americans might not need that triple espresso to function. One barista lamented, 'If people start sleeping properly, who's going to buy our overpriced lattes?'

Supporters point to dubious studies showing that siestas could boost GDP by 20% through 'dream-inspired innovation.' 'Einstein napped, and look what he came up with—relativity!' claimed a bill co-sponsor, conveniently ignoring that Einstein probably set an alarm or two. As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: if this bill passes, the early bird might not get the worm, but the late sleeper gets the whole afternoon off.

In a twist, the bill also includes penalties for 'alarm clock sympathizers,' such as those who set multiple backups or use rooster ringtones. Offenders could face fines or mandatory pillow fights. Animal rights groups are thrilled, noting that real roosters might finally get a break from crowing duties.

As Congress adjourns for what suspiciously looks like a group nap, the nation holds its breath—or perhaps hits the snooze button. Will America embrace the siesta revolution, or will the alarm clock lobby wake us all up to reality? Only time, and maybe a good night's sleep, will tell.