WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that's sure to cheese off hot dog enthusiasts everywhere, Congress has finally passed the long-awaited 'Pizza Supremacy Act,' officially designating pizza as America's national food. After years of heated debates that often devolved into food fights in the Capitol cafeteria, lawmakers from both sides of the aisle came together in a rare display of unity, proving that nothing brings people together like a shared love for melted mozzarella.

The bill, sponsored by Senator Tony Pepperoni (R-NY), faced stiff opposition from the powerful hot dog lobby, which argued that frankfurters have been the unofficial symbol of American backyard barbecues since the invention of the bun. 'This is an outrage!' bellowed Representative Frank Furter (D-IL), who filibustered for hours by reciting hot dog recipes. But in the end, the allure of deep-dish diplomacy won out, with pizza advocates highlighting its versatility—from thin-crust minimalism to stuffed-crust excess—as a true reflection of the American dream.

One of the bill's most controversial amendments protects the right to pineapple toppings, a divisive issue that nearly derailed the entire proceedings. 'We cannot let government dictate what's on our pies,' declared Congresswoman Luau Lizzie (D-HI), who threatened to withhold her vote unless Hawaiian pizza was granted constitutional protection. The amendment passed narrowly, ensuring that even the most heretical toppings remain a matter of personal liberty, much to the chagrin of pizza purists who consider fruit on pizza a culinary crime against humanity.

President Joe Biden, a known ice cream aficionado, signed the bill into law while munching on a slice of pepperoni. 'This is a great day for America,' he mumbled through a mouthful of cheese. 'We've ended the tyranny of the tube steak and ushered in an era of saucy sovereignty.' The White House plans to celebrate with a state dinner featuring unlimited pizza buffets, though sources say vegan options will be limited to avoid offending the dairy lobby.

Critics, however, warn that this could lead to a slippery slope of food legislation. 'What's next? Declaring tacos the national Tuesday treat?' grumbled a spokesperson for the Burger Brotherhood. Meanwhile, international reactions have been mixed; Italy issued a statement claiming cultural appropriation, while Canada politely suggested poutine as a compromise. But for now, Americans can rest easy knowing their love for pizza is enshrined in law—no more hiding in the shadows of relish and mustard.

In a surprising twist, the bill includes a provision for annual 'Pizza Day' celebrations, complete with federally funded pizza parties in schools. Nutritionists are already up in arms, predicting a spike in childhood obesity, but proponents argue it's a small price to pay for national pride. As one anonymous senator put it, 'Let them eat cake? Nah, let them eat calzones!'