In a groundbreaking move that has left both accountants and activists scratching their heads, Congress has unanimously passed the 'Empathy Enhancement Act,' officially making 'thoughts and prayers' tax-deductible. The bill, sponsored by a bipartisan coalition of lawmakers who apparently ran out of actual solutions, allows Americans to claim deductions for every heartfelt social media post or mumbled condolence following a tragedy.

Supporters of the legislation argue that this will incentivize more public displays of sympathy, potentially flooding the nation with an unprecedented wave of compassion. 'Finally, we can put a price on our inaction,' beamed Senator Bland, who has built a career on offering platitudes during press conferences. Critics, however, point out that the bill conveniently ignores the root causes of issues like gun violence or natural disasters, opting instead for fiscal fiddling.

The IRS is already preparing new forms, including Schedule P for 'Prayers' and Schedule T for 'Thoughts,' where taxpayers can itemize their emotional expenditures. 'Did you think about the victims for at least 30 seconds? That's a $50 deduction right there,' explained an IRS spokesperson, who seemed oddly enthusiastic about the paperwork nightmare ahead.

Opposition groups, such as the Coalition for Actual Change, have decried the bill as a masterful dodge. 'This is like giving tax breaks for wishing on stars,' said their leader. 'Next thing you know, they'll deduct 'hopes and dreams' from our national debt.' Meanwhile, religious organizations are thrilled, seeing it as a boon for tithing disguised as civic duty.

Economists predict a surge in 'sympathy startups,' companies that will offer pre-packaged thoughts and prayers for busy professionals. Imagine an app that auto-tweets condolences during your lunch break, complete with emoji hearts and hashtags, all fully deductible. 'It's the gig economy meets grief,' quipped one venture capitalist, already investing heavily.

Even celebrities are jumping on board, with A-listers planning to claim millions in deductions for their annual charity gala appearances. 'I've been offering thoughts and prayers for years—it's about time I got something back,' said one star, who declined to be named but was spotted leaving a yacht party.

As the bill heads to the President's desk for signing, the nation waits with bated breath—or is that just another deductible thought? In the end, this legislation proves that in America, even our emptiest gestures can now pad our wallets, one pious deduction at a time.