In a move that has left astronomers, politicians, and meme lords scratching their heads, Elon Musk has officially declared himself Emperor of Mars. Broadcasting from what appears to be a hastily assembled throne made of recycled Tesla parts, Musk announced his ascension via a Twitter thread that quickly devolved into a series of rocket emojis and cryptic dogecoin references.

The self-proclaimed Martian monarch wasted no time in laying out his demands. Earthlings, he decreed, must pay tribute in the form of Bitcoin, or face the wrath of his interstellar army. Sources close to Musk confirm that this 'army' consists primarily of malfunctioning Cybertrucks, which have been retrofitted with red paint jobs to blend in with the Martian landscape—assuming they don't break down en route.

World leaders reacted with a mix of confusion and amusement. President Biden reportedly chuckled during a briefing, muttering something about 'that kid with the flamethrowers.' Meanwhile, Russian President Putin is said to be considering a counter-declaration as Tsar of Venus, just to one-up Musk in the cosmic power grab.

Musk's imperial edict includes plans for a Martian constitution, which apparently consists of three rules: 1) All hail Elon, 2) No unions on Mars, and 3) Dogecoin is the official currency. Critics point out that Mars lacks both atmosphere and actual inhabitants, but Musk dismissed these concerns as 'fake news from Big Oxygen.'

Not content with mere demands, Emperor Elon has threatened to unleash his fleet of Starships if tributes aren't paid by the next full moon. Experts warn that while the ships might reach orbit, their chances of conquering Earth are about as high as a Cybertruck's off-road reliability rating.

In a surprising twist, several tech bros have already pledged allegiance, offering to relocate to Mars as Musk's loyal subjects. One enthusiast tweeted, 'Finally, a planet where I can code in peace without OSHA regulations!' Musk retweeted with a crown emoji.

As the world grapples with this extraterrestrial absurdity, one thing is clear: Elon Musk has taken 'reaching for the stars' to a whole new level of satire. Whether this is a publicity stunt or the start of interplanetary feudalism remains to be seen, but Bitcoin prices have inexplicably spiked in response.