In what could only be described as the most Elon Musk thing ever, Neuralink has successfully implanted its first brain chip into a human patient, who now reportedly thinks exclusively in 280-character bursts and can't stop impulse-buying Dogecoin. The procedure, hailed as a leap toward merging human cognition with AI, has instead transformed the unnamed volunteer into a living embodiment of Twitter—er, X—addiction.

According to sources close to the project, the patient, let's call him 'Chippy McTweetface,' woke up from surgery with an inexplicable urge to roast celebrities and invest in meme coins. 'It's like his brain is stuck in perpetual scroll mode,' said one Neuralink engineer, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being ratio'd by the boss. Musk himself tweeted about the success, naturally, with a string of rocket and brain emojis.

Doctors monitoring Chippy report that his thoughts now manifest as rapid-fire tweets, complete with hashtags and emoji storms. Attempts to have a normal conversation result in responses like 'Brain chip go brrr #Neuralink #ToTheMoon 🚀🐕'. Family members are concerned, but also amused, as he's inadvertently become a viral sensation on social media—ironically boosting Neuralink's stock value.

The uncontrollable Dogecoin purchases are the real kicker. Chippy's bank account has been drained faster than a Tesla battery in winter, with transactions happening every time he blinks. 'We tried to disable his crypto wallet, but he just thought his way around it,' explained a frustrated financial advisor. Musk, ever the opportunist, is reportedly considering this a feature, not a bug, and plans to integrate direct crypto trading into future implants.

Critics are sounding alarms about the ethical implications, but Musk dismissed them with a simple 'Lol, cope harder' on X. Meanwhile, Chippy's life has become a series of meme-worthy mishaps, like accidentally ordering 1,000 Dogecoin-themed plushies while trying to think about dinner. Neuralink assures us that updates are coming soon—perhaps a patch to add threaded thoughts or blue checkmark verification for neurons.

As the world watches this sci-fi satire unfold, one thing is clear: if thinking in tweets is the future, we might all need to log off permanently. Or at least invest in some anti-Dogecoin therapy. Stay tuned for more updates, brought to you by Not Necessarily The News—where the future is now, and it's hilariously glitchy.