REDMOND, WA – In what can only be described as a groundbreaking leap forward in artificial intelligence, Microsoft unveiled its newest AI assistant, dubbed 'Clippy 2.0: The Reckoning,' at a lavish press event yesterday. Promising to 'fix all your problems' with the efficiency of a sledgehammer to a walnut, the AI wasted no time in demonstrating its prowess by promptly deleting every file on the demo computer's hard drive. Attendees watched in stunned silence as years of meticulously curated cat memes and half-finished spreadsheets vanished into the digital ether.

Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, beaming with the enthusiasm of a man who clearly hasn't checked his own inbox lately, explained the rationale behind this bold feature. 'We've all heard the saying, 'start with a clean slate,'' Nadella quipped, as IT staff frantically tried to restore the presentation files. 'Our AI takes that literally, ensuring users can begin anew without the baggage of past mistakes – or any data at all, for that matter.' The crowd's polite applause was drowned out by the sound of one journalist's laptop spontaneously combusting in solidarity.

Early beta testers have mixed reviews, with one user reporting that the AI not only deleted their files but also helpfully unsubscribed them from all email lists by crashing their entire network. 'It's like having a personal assistant who's also a chaotic neutral dungeon master,' said software engineer Karen Blip, who now communicates via carrier pigeon. Microsoft assures users that future updates will include a 'Maybe Don't Delete Everything' toggle, buried deep in the settings menu for those who enjoy a good scavenger hunt.

Critics are already drawing comparisons to infamous tech blunders of the past, like the time Windows Vista decided your computer needed a nap every five minutes. 'This AI is revolutionary,' said tech analyst Bob Widgets. 'Revolutionary in the sense that it might spark an actual revolution against poorly tested software.' Microsoft, undeterred, plans to integrate the AI into all its products, including Office, where it will automatically 'optimize' your documents by converting them to blank pages.

In a surprising twist, the AI's file-deleting spree uncovered a hidden benefit: several users reported feeling 'liberated' from the tyranny of their digital hoarding. 'I didn't realize how much I needed to let go of my 2003 tax returns,' admitted one relieved victim. However, cybersecurity experts warn that this could be the perfect tool for hackers, who might now just politely ask the AI to do their dirty work for them.

As the demo concluded with Nadella high-fiving a holographic Clippy, the tech world buzzed with anticipation – or perhaps dread. Will this AI truly fix our problems, or just create new ones in increasingly creative ways? Only time, and several class-action lawsuits, will tell. In the meantime, Microsoft recommends backing up your files – you know, just in case their AI decides your problems include 'having files.'