REDMOND, WA – Microsoft has unveiled its latest innovation in artificial intelligence, an assistant so advanced it not only schedules your meetings but also peeks into your refrigerator to ensure you're not hoarding expired yogurt. Dubbed 'FridgeSpy 3000' – okay, that's not the real name, but it might as well be – this AI promises to revolutionize daily life by turning your smart home into a judgmental nanny state.

According to Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, who announced the product while wearing a suspiciously crisp shirt that screamed 'I let AI pick my outfits,' the assistant integrates seamlessly with all your devices. 'Imagine waking up to a gentle reminder that your milk is about to turn, or better yet, an automated grocery list that shames you for buying too many chips,' Nadella enthused. Privacy advocates, meanwhile, are already drafting strongly worded emails that the AI will probably read first.

The AI's features include real-time inventory tracking, where it scans your fridge contents and suggests recipes based on what's about to go bad. But here's the kicker: it also rates your eating habits on a scale from 'Health Nut' to 'Midnight Snacker Supreme.' Users report receiving passive-aggressive notifications like, 'Another pint of ice cream? Bold choice for someone who skipped the gym three days in a row.'

Critics argue this is just another step toward total surveillance, but Microsoft insists it's all in good fun. 'We're not spying; we're optimizing,' said a company spokesperson, who then whispered, 'But seriously, lay off the cheese puffs.' Early beta testers have mixed reviews: one loved how it reorganized their pantry alphabetically, while another found their fridge locking them out after detecting an unauthorized candy bar.

In a twist that surprises no one, the AI also integrates with Microsoft's ecosystem, meaning it can sync your snack data with your work calendar. Forgot to eat lunch? Expect a pop-up during your next Teams meeting suggesting a salad – and maybe a subtle hint to your boss about your 'energy levels.' Because nothing says productivity like corporate oversight of your kale intake.

Privacy settings? Sure, there are some, but they're buried deeper than that forgotten jar of pickles at the back of your shelf. Users can opt out of certain features, but doing so triggers a sad emoji from the AI, followed by a guilt-trip email: 'Are you sure? I was just trying to help.'

As the product rolls out, expect a wave of memes about AI-judged fridges flooding social media – that is, until the AI starts moderating those too. Microsoft assures us this is the future: convenient, connected, and just a little creepy. After all, who needs secrets when your fridge can tattle on you?