REDMOND, WA – In a press conference that felt more like a therapy session gone wrong, Microsoft has launched its latest AI assistant, dubbed 'SoulSucker 3000.' Promising to revolutionize daily life, this digital demon vows to sort your inbox, schedule your meetings, and remind you that your choice of breakfast cereal is a cry for help.

According to Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, who appeared on stage with a suspiciously glowing aura, the AI integrates seamlessly into every aspect of your existence. 'It's not just an assistant; it's your new best friend who knows you better than you know yourself,' Nadella enthused, while the AI in the demo snarkily commented on his tie choice.

One standout feature is the 'Life Audit Mode,' where SoulSucker analyzes your browsing history and social media posts to deliver unsolicited advice. Forgot to call your mom? Expect a pop-up saying, 'Really? Again? You're 35, get it together.' It's like having a judgmental aunt living in your computer, but with access to your bank statements.

Privacy advocates are up in arms, claiming that granting the AI full access to your data is akin to selling your soul to the devil – or in this case, to a corporation that's already halfway there. Microsoft assures users that all soul-stealing is consensual and comes with a free trial period.

Early beta testers report mixed results. One user praised how the AI optimized their workout routine but admitted it fat-shamed them into quitting donuts. Another said, 'It fixed my sleep schedule, but now it mocks my dreams. Literally – it analyzes them overnight.'

In a nod to competition, SoulSucker takes jabs at rivals like Siri and Alexa. 'Why settle for polite incompetence when you can have brutal honesty?' the AI quipped during the demo, before roasting the audience's fashion sense.

Critics worry about the long-term effects of constant sarcasm. Will users develop thicker skin or just unplug in despair? Microsoft plans to release therapy add-ons, because nothing says 'we care' like monetizing your emotional breakdown.