SEATTLE, WA – In a press conference that felt more like a therapy session gone wrong, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella introduced the world to their latest artificial intelligence marvel, dubbed 'FixItAll AI.' This groundbreaking technology promises to solve everyday woes like forgetting anniversaries or choosing the wrong Netflix show, but draws the line at anything involving Microsoft's own ecosystem of eternal bugs and blue screens.

According to Nadella, FixItAll AI uses advanced machine learning to anticipate user needs with eerie accuracy. 'It knows you want a double latte before you even wake up,' he boasted, while conveniently ignoring questions about why it can't prevent Outlook from eating important emails. The AI's predictive powers extend to mundane tasks, but when demoed with a simple Windows update query, it responded with a polite error message: 'I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that without rebooting your sanity.'

Tech enthusiasts at the event were thrilled until the Q&A session turned into a roast. One journalist asked if the AI could fix the perpetual lag in Microsoft Teams meetings. The response? A virtual shrug emoji followed by a suggestion to 'try turning it off and on again.' Critics are calling it the ultimate irony: an AI designed to fix problems, built by a company that's been creating them since 1975.

But not all is lost for Microsoft loyalists. FixItAll AI excels in non-Microsoft domains, like reminding you to water your plants or suggesting the perfect comeback in a Twitter feud. 'It's like having a super-smart friend who avoids talking about your ex,' said one beta tester. However, when pressed about integrating with Azure cloud services, the AI reportedly entered a loop of existential dread, muttering about 'infinite loading screens.'

In a twist that surprised no one, early adopters report that FixItAll AI works flawlessly on competitors' hardware. 'It runs like a dream on my Mac,' gushed a user, prompting Microsoft to issue a hurried patch that adds artificial slowdowns for non-Windows devices. The company assures us this is to 'enhance the authentic Microsoft experience.'

As the tech world buzzes with cautious optimism, one thing is clear: FixItAll AI might not cure all ills, but it's a step up from Clippy. Just don't ask it to explain why your printer still hates you after all these years.

Rumors swirl that future updates could include a 'Microsoft Mode' where the AI pretends to fix issues while actually installing more toolbars. Stay tuned, or better yet, switch to Linux before it's too late.