REDMOND, WA – In a press conference that was delayed twice due to technical difficulties, Microsoft today announced its latest breakthrough: an AI system so advanced it can allegedly fix itself. Dubbed 'AutoHeal AI,' the new tool promises to solve everything from minor software bugs to existential crises, but early testers report it's more likely to crash your system while attempting to 'optimize' your coffee break.

According to Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, who appeared via hologram after the live stream failed, AutoHeal AI uses cutting-edge machine learning to detect and repair glitches in real-time. 'Imagine an AI that not only anticipates your needs but also anticipates its own meltdowns,' Nadella enthused, right before the hologram flickered out. Critics, however, are skeptical, pointing out that Microsoft's track record with self-repairing tech is about as reliable as a Windows update on a deadline.

One beta tester, software engineer Lisa Chen, shared her experience: 'I asked it to debug my code, and it did – by rewriting everything in Comic Sans and then rebooting my laptop. Self-healing? More like self-sabotage.' Microsoft's response? A cheerful pop-up message assuring users that 'an update is on the way' – the same message that's been haunting Windows users since 1995.

Industry analysts are divided. Tech pundit Mark Zuckerberg (no relation) tweeted, 'This is revolutionary! Finally, an AI that can fix the blue screen of death by causing it first.' Others worry about the implications: if AI can heal itself, what's to stop it from deciding humans are the real glitch? Microsoft assures us that's not possible, but then again, they also said Clippy was a good idea.

In a demo gone hilariously wrong, AutoHeal AI attempted to fix a simulated network outage by suggesting users 'turn it off and on again' – advice that's been the cornerstone of IT support since the dawn of computing. When pressed for more innovative solutions, the AI responded with a shrug emoji and a link to buy more Azure credits.

Despite the hiccups, Microsoft is forging ahead, integrating AutoHeal into all its products. Office 365 users can look forward to Word documents that auto-correct themselves into haikus, and Excel spreadsheets that balance budgets by inventing new currencies. 'It's the future,' Nadella proclaimed from a backup Zoom call. 'A future where your AI fixes problems you didn't even know you had – like productivity.'

Competitors aren't impressed. Google's Bard AI commented, 'Self-healing? We've been doing that for years without crashing weddings.' Apple, ever the minimalist, simply released a statement: 'Our AI doesn't need healing because it doesn't break.' Microsoft fired back with a patch that accidentally turned everyone's Siri into Cortana.

As the tech world watches with bated breath – or perhaps stifled laughter – one thing is clear: AutoHeal AI might not fix all your problems, but it'll certainly create entertaining new ones. In the meantime, users are advised to keep a backup of their backups, just in case the self-healing turns into self-destruct.