In a move that's equal parts audacious and alarming, California Governor Gavin Newsom has thrown his hat into the presidential ring with a platform that's refreshingly honest: 'I've ruined California, and now I want to ruin America too!' Speaking at a rally in San Francisco, where attendees dodged homeless encampments like they were playing a real-life game of Frogger, Newsom outlined his vision for a nation that's just as dysfunctional as the Golden State.

'Look at what we've achieved here,' Newsom boasted, gesturing to the skyline obscured by wildfire smoke. 'We've got sky-high taxes, rolling blackouts, and a housing crisis that makes tent cities look like luxury condos. Why should California hog all the fun? As president, I'll make sure every state gets a taste of this progressive paradise!' The crowd cheered, or maybe that was just the sound of another business fleeing to Texas.

Newsom's policy proposals read like a greatest hits of California's blunders. First up: nationalizing the state's infamous high-speed rail project, which has already burned through billions without laying a single track that actually goes anywhere useful. 'Imagine a train from New York to L.A. that takes three weeks and costs more than a private jet,' he enthused. 'Efficiency is overrated—let's embrace the delays!'

Not stopping there, Newsom promised to tackle climate change by banning all gas-powered everything, including lawnmowers, barbecues, and common sense. 'We'll power the nation with solar panels and good vibes,' he said, ignoring the minor detail that California's grid collapses every time the wind blows funny. Critics pointed out that this might lead to nationwide blackouts, but Newsom waved them off: 'Think of it as mandatory family time in the dark!'

On the economic front, Newsom aims to implement California's minimum wage nationwide, ensuring that small businesses everywhere can experience the joy of shuttering their doors. 'Who needs jobs when you have universal basic income funded by... uh, we'll figure that out later,' he admitted. Supporters nodded enthusiastically, dreaming of a future where avocado toast costs $50 and is still somehow unaffordable.

Immigration reform? Newsom's got that covered too. Drawing from California's sanctuary state success, he plans to turn the entire U.S. into one big welcome mat. 'Borders are so last century,' he quipped. 'Let's make America the land of opportunity—for everyone except the people already living here paying taxes.'

Education won't be left out of the fun. Inspired by California's public schools, where math is optional but gender studies are mandatory, Newsom vows to reform curricula across the country. 'We'll teach kids what's really important: how to protest effectively and blame everything on climate change,' he declared. Parents worried about test scores were assured that feelings matter more than facts anyway.

Wrapping up his speech, Newsom flashed his trademark grin—the one that says 'I'm charming, but don't look too closely at the state budget.' 'Vote for me, and together we'll make America great again... at being a cautionary tale!' As the crowd dispersed, one thing was clear: if Newsom wins, the rest of the country might finally understand why so many Californians are packing up and leaving.