In a groundbreaking move that's sure to revolutionize professional sports, the NFL has announced the introduction of 'Participation Trophies' for teams that come oh-so-close to victory but ultimately fall short. League Commissioner Roger Goodell, speaking from a podium adorned with glittery stars and smiley faces, explained that the new policy aims to boost morale among perennial underachievers. 'Why should only the winners get all the glory?' Goodell asked rhetorically, while handing out gold stars to reporters in the audience.

The trophies, crafted from recycled Super Bowl rings and a dash of millennial angst, will be awarded to any team that loses by fewer than 10 points or manages to score at least one touchdown. Sources close to the league say this is part of a broader initiative to make football more 'inclusive,' because nothing screams inclusivity like rewarding mediocrity on a national stage. Fans of teams like the Detroit Lions are already buzzing with excitement, finally seeing a path to hardware that doesn't involve actual winning.

Critics, however, are not amused. Former players like Tom Brady have voiced their discontent, with Brady tweeting, 'Back in my day, we earned our rings the hard way—by winning. What's next, trophies for remembering your cleats?' But the NFL isn't backing down, insisting that this will encourage more teams to 'try their best,' as if the multimillion-dollar contracts weren't incentive enough.

Under the new rules, participation trophies come in various tiers: Bronze for showing up, Silver for not getting blown out, and Gold for moral victories—like that time your quarterback threw for 300 yards but still lost because the defense forgot to show up. The league is even considering engraving them with inspirational quotes, such as 'You Tried' or 'Close Enough.'

Youth sports advocates are thrilled, seeing this as a natural extension of the everyone-gets-a-trophy philosophy that's been shaping little leagues for years. 'Finally, the pros are catching up,' said one pee-wee coach. 'Now, when kids ask why they get trophies for losing, we can point to the NFL and say, 'See? Even the big boys do it!''

As the season kicks off, expect to see these shiny new awards handed out post-game, right alongside the Lombardi Trophy. Who knows? Maybe this will usher in a new era where effort is king, and actual results are just a participation ribbon away from irrelevance.