In a press conference that left the animal kingdom reeling, pandas have come clean: they're not the exotic, endangered darlings we've been fawning over, but just regular bears who've been pulling off the ultimate con with black-and-white makeup and a bamboo diet. "We've been living a lie," confessed Ling Ling, a spokes-panda from the Chengdu Research Base, "and it's time for some serious reparations."

The revelation came courtesy of a whistleblower conservationist who, after years of suspicious cuddling sessions, decided to swab a panda's cheek for DNA. Turns out, these so-called giants are closer kin to grizzlies than to the mythical creatures of lore. "It's like finding out your favorite superhero is just a guy in spandex," said Dr. Eliza Fauna, lead researcher on the exposé.

Zoos worldwide are in panic mode, scrambling to rewrite placards and refund tickets. The San Diego Zoo, home to some of the fluffiest frauds, issued a statement: "We feel bamboozled, but we're committed to making this right—starting with extra nap time and premium cable in their enclosures."

Pandas aren't stopping at apologies; they're demanding bamboo reparations, including back pay for all those years of performative cuteness. "We've been typecast as lazy eaters, but really, we'd kill for a salmon run," added another panda representative, who requested anonymity to avoid backlash from actual bears.

Global activists have jumped on the bandwagon, calling for ethical treatment reforms. Petitions are circulating for unlimited eucalyptus snacks—wait, that's for koalas, but pandas say they're open to trying new things now that the jig is up. "If we're bears, give us honey pots and picnic baskets," demanded the Panda Liberation Front.

Experts warn this could upend conservation efforts. "We've poured millions into saving what are essentially cosplaying ursines," lamented a WWF spokesperson. "Next thing you know, polar bears will admit they're just albinos."

In a twist of irony, real bears are thrilled. "Finally, some recognition," growled a Yosemite grizzly. "Those pandas have been stealing our thunder with their eyeliner game." As the dust settles, one thing's clear: the zoo world will never be the same, and neither will our snack budgets.