WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what can only be described as a feather-brained decision, President [Redacted] has appointed his pet parrot, Squawkers, as the new White House Press Secretary. The announcement came during a late-night tweet storm, where the President declared, "Squawkers tells it like it is – no filter, just pure truth!" Sources close to the Oval Office say the bird's ability to mimic phrases like "fake news" and "tremendous success" sealed the deal.

The transition hasn't been without its squawks. Former Press Secretary [Name Withheld] reportedly stormed out after being upstaged by the avian interloper during a test run. "I spent years dodging questions, and now this bird just repeats whatever the President says? It's fowl play!" he lamented. White House staff are scrambling to parrot-proof the briefing room, installing perches and stocking up on crackers to keep Squawkers happy.

Press corps reactions have been mixed. Veteran reporter Helen Scoop quipped, "I've covered wars, scandals, and now this – a press secretary who might actually crack under pressure." Others are optimistic, noting that Squawkers' responses are refreshingly direct, if not entirely coherent. During a mock briefing, when asked about foreign policy, the parrot simply screeched, "Build the wall! Build the wall!" which the administration hailed as a "bold stance."

Critics argue this appointment sets a dangerous precedent. "What's next? The First Dog as Secretary of Defense?" asked opposition leader [Anonymous]. Animal rights groups are up in arms, claiming it's exploitation, while PETA has offered to provide Squawkers with a vegan seed mix. The President dismissed concerns, tweeting, "Squawkers is more loyal than any human – and he doesn't leak!"

As the first avian official in U.S. history, Squawkers is already making waves. His debut briefing is scheduled for tomorrow, complete with a tiny podium and noise-canceling headphones for reporters sensitive to high-pitched outbursts. Insiders predict a ratings bonanza, with networks dubbing it "The Squawk Heard 'Round the World." Whether this experiment flies or crashes remains to be seen, but one thing's certain: politics just got a whole lot more bird-brained.

In a surprising twist, Squawkers has already issued his first statement via the President's Twitter: "Polly wants transparency!" The White House gift shop is rushing to stock parrot-themed merchandise, including "Make America Squawk Again" hats. Stay tuned as this story develops – or should we say, hatches?