In a move that's equal parts genius and utterly bizarre, President Kamala Harris unveiled her latest economic policy today: the 'Billionaire Tear Tax.' The plan, announced during a press conference that featured a suspiciously large box of tissues, aims to skip the IRS paperwork and go straight for the heartstrings—or rather, the tear ducts—of America's wealthiest citizens.

Under the new initiative, billionaires like Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Mark Zuckerberg will be required to appear on a monthly live TV special called 'Cry Me a River: Wealth Redistribution Hour.' Hosted by a rotating cast of empathetic celebrities, the show will force these tycoons to recount their rags-to-riches stories, but with a twist: they must do so while watching montages of sad puppy videos, heart-wrenching rom-com endings, and clips of their own employees' unpaid overtime.

'We've tried audits, we've tried loopholes—er, I mean, legislation,' Harris quipped, dodging a question about corporate tax rates. 'But nothing says 'fair share' like a good, old-fashioned ugly cry. Viewers at home can donate directly to government programs based on how many tissues the billionaire goes through. It's progressive taxation meets reality TV!'

Critics, including several red-faced Republicans, have decried the plan as 'emotional blackmail' and 'a violation of the Eighth Amendment's prohibition on cruel and unusual punishment.' One senator even suggested it might drive billionaires to relocate to more stoic countries like Switzerland, where public displays of emotion are punishable by fondue forfeiture.

Supporters, however, are thrilled. 'Finally, a tax plan that doesn't require math,' said one enthusiastic millennial on social media. The White House estimates the program could raise trillions, especially if they include bonus rounds where billionaires have to watch their stock prices plummet in real-time simulations.

Not all billionaires are opposed. Warren Buffett reportedly volunteered for the pilot episode, promising to weep over his collection of vintage Coca-Cola ads. 'I've got nothing to hide—except maybe my tear-stained ukulele,' he said in a statement.

The ACLU has already filed a lawsuit, arguing that forced crying constitutes compelled speech. But Harris remains undeterred: 'If they can afford private islands, they can afford a few therapy sessions post-show.'

As the nation tunes in for the premiere, one thing's for sure: this could be the weepiest wealth redistribution since the invention of the sad trombone sound effect. Stay tuned, America—bring your own tissues.