In a bold move that has Washington buzzing and podiatrists cheering, President Kamala Harris announced today her administration's latest initiative: the War on Stubbed Toes. Flanked by generals and orthopedic surgeons, Harris declared that the silent epidemic of furniture-related foot injuries ends now. 'For too long, Americans have suffered in silence,' she proclaimed, 'but no more will our citizens hop around in agony after a midnight run-in with a coffee table.'

The plan involves deploying the National Guard to major furniture retailers across the nation. Soldiers will be stationed at IKEA showrooms, armed with bubble wrap and foam padding, ready to retrofit sharp corners on site. 'We're talking about a full-scale assault on angular furniture,' said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who appeared via video link while nursing his own stubbed toe from a recent White House briefing room mishap.

Critics from the opposition party wasted no time in toe-tally dismissing the initiative. 'This is just another example of big government overreach,' grumbled Senator Ted Cruz, speaking from his well-padded Texas ranch. 'Next thing you know, they'll be mandating soft-soled slippers for all citizens.' Harris fired back, suggesting that perhaps Cruz should try walking a mile in someone else's stubbed shoes.

The White House has outlined a timeline for victory: by 2026, every American home will be equipped with toe-friendly furniture, courtesy of federal subsidies. Early adopters in pilot programs report a 75% decrease in profanity-laced outbursts, with one participant noting, 'I can finally navigate my living room without fearing for my pinky toe's life.'

Not to be outdone, former President Donald Trump took to Truth Social to claim he invented the concept of toe protection. 'I had the best toes, tremendous toes, nobody stubs like I do – but I don't stub, believe me,' he posted, before announcing his own line of golden, indestructible toe guards. The post garnered millions of likes and several confused emojis.

Meanwhile, the furniture industry is scrambling to adapt. Legions of designers are rethinking table legs, with some proposing edible furniture corners made from marshmallow. 'It's a game-changer,' said one executive. 'Stub your toe? Just eat it!' Environmentalists, however, warn that this could lead to a surge in midnight snacking and subsequent weight gain.

As the nation rallies behind this pedal crusade, Harris remains optimistic. 'Together, we can stub out this menace,' she said, pun fully intended. With the National Guard on high alert and furniture stores fortified, America inches closer to a future where the only thing getting stubbed is our collective funny bone.